miscellaneous

On the road - we've spent time in TN & GA during the last week & today we got to FL.  Call us crazy!  We've had a great Christmas - the kids have loved it and that's what is really important to us.  I am ready to be home though!  It's tough to travel with a 4yo and a 2yo for so long.    David got me the greatest gift he could have gotten me this year - a Garmin Forerunner 305.  I will probably take months to learn to use it!  I used it on a run Saturday & thought it was awesome, but I only used the most basic functionality.  Can't wait to really explore what it can do.    On another running note, I *just* (minutes ago) signed up for my first marathon.  I'm staying fairly close to home, going to Cleveland to run it.  The course has good reviews and isn't too hilly.  I can't wait.  I'm giddy with excitement!   We're hoping to be home sometime Saturday but it could be Sunday.  I'll be back online next week :)

Happy 4th Birthday

Happy Birthday Matthew!  We've been celebrating since Thanksgiving, I've sent cupcakes to preschool, and I baked a cake last weekend.  But a boy should have some kind of cake on his birthday, shouldn't he?  He has gotten some packages in the mail so tonight he'll open those & I'm going to put a few candles in a warm delight.    Four years ago right now I was in labor with him but without a long wait ahead of me.  Those moments after his birth are so precious, as are so many moments we've shared since then.    He's grown from a beautiful baby into a wonderful little boy, handsome, smart, outgoing, and mostly pleasant. ;)  I can't imagine our lives without him.

the not so pleasant surprise

Last night when I got out of the shower I heard Matthew making some noise.  This was ~2 hours after I put him to bed.  I didn't think much of it, but then 30 minutes later he started getting louder so I thought he was awake.  David went upstairs to check on him and sure enough, he was out of bed with his light on having a great time playing.  Not only that, but he had taken his shoes OFF!  Yep, just as I brag on him for surprising me, he gets up & takes them off.  That boy!

always a surprise

With children come surprises.  Some parents of clubfoot children find every night a battle.  A lot of them resist the shoes, especially as they get older.  We have been very fortunate with Matthew that he has not fought us.  One morning recently he took his shoes off for the first time.  We try to keep him in them 12 hours a day so we told him that was a no no and that he could only take them off if we told him it was ok.  Now every morning I tell him when it's ok.    We normally put Matthew's shoes on at bedtime, but downstairs, before we go to his room.  Tonight I had them by myself though and I find it easier to take him upstairs without them and put them on in his room.  I left Matthew in his room with his shoes while I put Scarlett down.  When I got back in his room he had 2 of the 3 buckles on one shoe buckled, and was working on the other shoe.  He proudly looked at me and said "look mommy I put my shoes on by myself."  It *almost* made me cry.  I am so thankful for Dr. Ponseti and his methods, and that those methods have been accepted and are practiced now.  I am also thankful for John Mitchell and his faith, which allowed him to develop the shoes that Matthew is wearing now.  We are blessed to have a child who is laid back and easy going and accepting of the shoes.

these kids of mine

Scarlett has been doing pretty well on the potty recently.  She tell me often that she needs to potty and when I put her on it, she goes.  She's pooped in the potty almost every day the last 2 weeks.  I think I've changed 3 messy diapers in that time, so that's nice.  Unfortunately she doesn't stay dry even though she potties regularly.  If I put panties on her she won't even tell me she needs to go, she just wets them.  I'm thinking when we get back from our Christmas traveling I will try to totally train her.  Anyway, almost every time she poops, she flushes the toilet & says "bye bye poop."  The other day she said "bye bye poop, go and see your family."  She really cracks me up sometimes.   Matthew is really challenging me these days.  Sometimes I feel like the world's worst mommy.  Maybe I'm not cut out for this stay at home mom stuff.  I think come January I will try to structure our days a littlel more...right now we are very vague - we get up, he watched Curious George and then we eat breakfast.  Then we play, read books, run errands, whatever...until lunchtime.  After lunch they take naps, then we play, read books, etc. until suppertime.  I usually turn on a short video while I cook supper, then we eat and it's usually bathtime & bedtime.  I think maybe if I structured the mornings a little more, with some specific activities, room playtime, family room playtime, time for him & me while Scarlett plays alone, time for me & Scarlett while he plays alone, time for them to play together, etc. things might be easier/smoother, but I don't know.  I'd try to include specific story times, crafts on certain days, music, etc.  but I'm not sure HOW to implement this idea.    Any advice before I pull all my hair out?

whoa - i didn't realize i'd been gone so long

Where do I start? I tried dyeing yarn a second time. It turned out better but still not what I visualized. I tried a third time & got lovely results. I need to keep working on it though.

We went to Florida for a long weekend. I never know how visits with MIL will be but it was good. It seems they've been pretty good lately, which makes me wonder when the next blow up will be. Florida has some railroad beds that have been converted to running/biking/horseback riding trails. David & I went for a run on one and it was really nice. I didn't have my hydration pack so I tried just carrying a bottle in my hand. That sucked - I dropped it several times. It also wasn't as much water as I'm used to having on a long run, but David did a shorter out & back, then drove to a convenience store for Gatorade & extra water, then picked me up at about the 11 mile point of the trail. It was a great run but running in the 80* weather in FL made me appreciate our Michigan weather! I'd much rather run in 50* (and even 30!) than 80.

My favorite thing about our Florida visit was going to see the space shuttle launch. I was a little wishy washy about it, thinking *I* would love to see it, knowing David would love to, but NOT wanting to drive to the east coast with the kiddos, then to Tampa to the airport, and flying home, all in the same day. That's a lot of carseat time for them. I even mentioned to David leaving them with his mom & just the 2 of us going, but he thought they would like it too. He'd done some research & knew some supposedly good places to watch. Driving along we passed a park with a nice looking playground so we parked near it & had a picnic lunch, then went to let the kids run & play. About 10 minutes before the scheduled launch we headed to the docks and found a spot. It was crowded but not overly so, and everyone was really nice. We listened on the radio as they counted down, then we could see smoke as it fired up, and suddenly we could see the shuttle with the flame & smoke...it was AMAZING. Matthew & Scarlett were in awe too, so I was glad we took them. I got all emotional about it - I decided *everyone* should see it live. There's nothing like it. I say that as someone who could see it when I lived in south GA, as long as the weather was clear, and David could see it from his yard in FL, but neither of us had been that close before, and it was a much different experience. Amazing. That's all I can say.

Kiddos were good on the flights, there & back we flew past bedtime. They were nice & quiet, and finally went to sleep both ways. David sat on the side with them & I sat across the aisle & knitted. What a great husband I have!

and my girl (and me)

Scarlett is something I can't describe. She is such a mess, a little monster, but so sweet and lovable too. She will definitely be the one to try me, to push me, and to test every limit. She has no fear. Today in the store she said "hey" to almost everyone we passed. Most of them say something back. One woman didn't and Scarlett kept on "hey"...."hey"....louder "hey"...even louder "hey". Then "mommy that lady not talking to me."

The other day we watched the NYC Marathon. She noticed the runners had bibs on their fronts & backs and told me "Mommy you don't race with a bib number on your back. You wear it on your tummy." I was surprised & impressed that she put together what she was seeing on tv with going & watching me run.

Me....I dyed my yarn. It didn't turn out anything like I wanted. The tutorial I was following suggested pouring the dye over the yarn in the stockpot and when I tried that it didn't stay in one area...it spread throughout the pot. That makes sense to me, but I saw the pictures (in more than one tutorial) where they did this same thing and their colors actually stayed in individual sections, like pieces of pie within the pot. I don't know what I did different so that mine ran all through, but when I put in 4 colors it didn't look like 4 quadrants, it looked like I mixed 4 colors all together. Not the effect I was going for. I'll do some more research & hopefully next time it will go better.

And, I've signed up for a slot in the 2010 NY Marathon!!! Yeah, fat old me running the big one! No guarantee right now that I'll get in, but I have a chance. It's a lottery & I won't know until March. That means we're definitely putting off baby plans until March, and if I get the spot we'll wait until at least November. I'm also debating about running a marathon in GA in March or one here in April. If I run the one in GA I'll run the half here in April. I wanted to run one in Hawaii but I couldn't get flights to work out. I am really excited about this running...I did 10 miles yesterday & it felt great. I feel great today too...no soreness, no aches/pains, nada. Whew!

my big boy

Matthew is growing up so fast, a little more every day. It is amazing to watch him grow. Last week we got a couple of Christmas toy catalogs in the mail. As I thumbed through the mail while we ate lunch, he noticed them and said "mommy I want to look at the toy book." I promised him we'd look after naptime. After his nap he reminded me, and we sat down on the couch together with the catalogs. He pointed at each & every toy, on each & every page, and said "oh mommy I want that" or "what's that?" and then when I answered "well I want one of those." So cute! I remember anxiously looking through the toy catalogs as a little girl & I didn't think he was old enough for it, but he sure seemed to enjoy it.

He doesn't watch a lot of tv (especially that isn't PBS) but a couple of weeks ago I turned on Tom & Jerry for him and he loved it. But he called me during the commercials screaming "I want one of those!" and when I got in the room he told me by name what toy he wanted. The commercial was over so I rewound to watch it, and then told him that his birthday & Christmas were coming up so maybe he would get one. I wrote down the toy so I wouldn't forget. Several times since then he has mentioned it, without seeing a commercial, so I felt sure he would get one. Then he saw it in the toy ad & said "that's the toy I've always wanted."

Yesterday David took them shopping while I did some housework, and when they got home Matthew told me he saw a lobster claw and he wanted it but he didn't have his money. He asked if we could get his money & go back to the store to buy it. I was confused and asked David what was up...David explained & I told Matthew we would go back today. Apparently this toy was on the clearance aisle and Matthew asked for it. David told him he didn't have his money so Matthew asked if he could come home & get his boat (which is his piggy bank) and go back. David told him he had a Santa Claus gift card (yeah he got it last year for Christmas & we haven't taken him shopping yet) he could use instead of his money. This morning we got his gift card & went back. Walked up & down the clearance aisle 3 times...couldn't find the lobster claw. Matthew was upset, but I told him we'd look in the toy section. He seriously had his bottom lip out! They did have the other toy he had asked for....regular price $59.99, on the clearance aisle for $35. He played with that for a few minutes, then got back in the buggy so we could go to the toy section & look for the lobster claw. Meanwhile, I look & his gift card was for $35, so I decided if we couldn't find the lobster claw, I'd let him buy the other toy. I called David when we couldn't find the lobster claw in the toy dept either and asked him exactly where it was. He told me & we went back & found it. Matthew was so happy.

I was also able to sneak the other toy in & buy it without him knowing it. :) When we got to the checkout he was pretty impatient and was trying to give the cashier the toy & his gift card all at once, before the customer in front of us was finished. I talked to him about patience and waiting our turn, and he settled down. He was so cute paying for his toy all by himself. Hopefully he is learning lessons too...but I'm not sure a gift card is the best way. Probably would have been better to use paper money, but we had the gift card, KWIM?

It's small things but things I wasn't expecting to happen quite yet. I wasn't ready for him to shop and pay for something, I wasn't ready for him to pick out toys from the catalog! I'm not ready, but it's coming anyway!

Halloween & random

We took the kids trick or treating Saturday evening. We carved a jack o'lantern and tried to take their picture in their costumes. Matthew wouldn't look at me - he kept looking at David. David said "Matthew look at mommy." Matthew said "I want to look at you too." David said "No look at mommy." Matthew replied "Well I have two eyes I will look at both of you." David then moved to stand behind me and we tried to explain that your eyes can't look different directions at the same time.

We reminded the kids before we left home to say "thank you" when they got treats but at the second house we visited the lady was giving out bags of potato chips. Scarlett said "thank you" but Matthew held the bag up to the woman and said "I don't like these. I want some candy instead." I wanted the ground to swallow me up I was so embarrassed. When we left that house & got down the straight we promptly had the "you say thank you even if you don't like it" talk. I hated I didn't think of it before we left the house. Then when we started home Matthew asked if he could eat his candy. David told him he could have one piece and he said "can I eat my chip?" ARGH - that boy.

Tuesday Matthew got the show & tell bag at school. He was SO excited over it & immediately told me he wanted to put "puff" in it. Puff is a stuffed animal I slept with until I got married and now he's Matthew's. When we got home from school I had to help him get Puff in the bag. At naptime he wanted to sleep with Puff IN the bag. I told him no because I was worried the handles could be a choking hazard. He agreed to take Puff out of the bag to nap but immediately upon waking up we put Puff back in the bag. Today he was thrilled to take Puff to school to show his classmates.

This morning Scarlett & I played outside for a little while when Matthew was at school. We haven't raked leaves yet so she was running through them & would roll around in them. She had a blast. She loved scooping up big hand fulls & throwing them at me. Hopefully all of them will fall out of the trees before this weekend so we can do our raking & both kids can really enjoy playing in them.

I have a new project for tonight. I'm going to dye some yarn. I've been planning it for a while but didn't have all the supplies I needed. Well I finally have them & can't wait to play with chemicals in my kitchen. Seriously - I'll be putting my degree to work in a whole new way. :)

not my best

This has not been my best week.  I've had to sit in Scarlett's room with her almost every day for the last 2 weeks to get her to nap.  She is 2 - she *needs* a nap or she's a monster later in the day.  But the stubborn child will only lay down with me in there.  I don't know what to do with her.   As a result of this, Matthew also isn't napping great.  He is getting old enough that he doesn't *have* to nap but he's certainly more pleasant when he does.  Frustrating.   Today his preschool had their Halloween parade.  They had a party & then came into the fellowship hall to do a play for us & then they trick or treated around all the parents.  I could see Matthew looking for us when they came in but he didn't find us until after their play.  He went to his teacher & said "I can't find my family" and I felt so sorry for him.  Scarlett had been squealing for him from the time he walked in so I don't know how he missed us, but I put her down & said "go get brother" so she ran to him & hugged him, then they both ran back to me.  They really love each other and are so sweet.  Somedays when she doesn't want to nap she goes in his room and when they hear me coming up to get onto them, they both climb into his bed.  They often ask to sleep together, and earlier this week Matthew told me he wanted a bunk bed and Scarlett could sleep on top.    No matter how much they love each other, they still like to fight.  It's not all fun & games!    I cut my hand bad the other day.  It *still* hurts BAD, and it's in a place that's just hard to do anything with it.  It also keeps me from being able to knit.  I didn't realize just how sane knitting keeps me.  I feel like a monster this week without the relaxation of knitting.   I cut my hand AFTER starting to make cake pops, which meant I had to wear gloves to roll them out & decorate them.  I *hate* gloves.   On a good note, I've had some kick ass runs this week.  Other than boot camp I hadn't run since the half, but I did a quick 2 mile run one night & a 3.4 mile run yesterday.  I literally ran to the store, just to kill 2 birds with one stone.  I wore my belt so I could shove the things I bought somewhere instead of running with them in my hands.  Sigh.  I'm gonna shut up now, I feel myself starting to ramble.

code for bad?

Saturday night the church where Matthew goes to preschool had a Halloween Party / Parents' Night Out.  We do not go to church there and the preschool is not affiliated with the church, they just rent the space, but they invited the preschool children and their friends/family so we decided to take advantage of it.  Matthew & Scarlett were so excited to wear their Halloween costumes.  Friday evening we shopped & Scarlett wanted to be a monkey so we decided to just let her wear Matthew's costume from last year (and the year before....I think he would have worn it again this year if it still fit!).  Matthew wanted to be an astronaut but we couldn't find an astronaut costume.  He saw a Thomas the Tank Engine one and said he wanted it.  Then he was distracted by a pirate, then a cowboy, then another pirate.  Finally he saw a firefighter one and when we suggested looking at the others (since he had changed his mind so many times), he was adamant that he wanted to be a fireman and not look anymore.  Scarlett immediately wanted a firefighter helmet so we got Matthew's costume & an extra helment & came home.   Saturday night we dressed them & took them over to the church, got them signed in, got a quick hug & kiss, and they ran off to play, never looking back.  We hung around for a few minutes talking to some other parents but once we saw that the kiddos were having fun & not worried about staying with "strangers" we left.  When we got home, David walked over to pick them up & they were playing in a different room with a couple of other children instead of watching the movie.  The woman who was watching them told him Scarlett was a "bundle of energy."  Just like us southern girls say "bless her heart", isn't that teacher code for "bad?"

the half marathon

When I signed up to ran I hoped to run in 2:20.  I thought that was pushing myself, as I was running an 11 minute mile and needed to take occasional walk breaks so I was averaging more like an 11:30 min/mile.  In my training I had gotten to where I was running faster than 11 minute miles but when I run more than a few miles I have to add walk breaks and those make me average about 11 min/mile.  We went down Saturday to pick up my number and hang out at the expo.  On our way home I took a good look at the bridge and got really upset, thinking there's no way I can run that.    I rode downtown yesterday morning (at 5:30) with a couple of girls from the gym and we hung out before the race.  They are both quite a bit faster than I am so they were seeded in a different start group.  I love the energy surrounding a big race - there were over 19,000 people registered for all the different events, so there was a big crowd.  It was cold (28* when I left the house and sunrise wasn't until like 7:45) but I was dressed appropriately.  People actually overdress and along the route strip down...so you see all sorts of clothes, hats, and gloves along the run.  The clothing is collected & donated to a homeless shelter after the race, so that's kinda cool.   Anyway, I was feeling good - the start was slow because it was really crowded but I hit the first mile marker in less than 10 minutes.  Then came the bridge.  The ramp up to it and the climb up were hard, but I kept running.  I was slower my 2nd & 3rd miles, but they were mostly uphill and it was still pretty crowded.  The view crossing the bridge was AMAZING.  No matter what you think of Detroit with the sunrise reflecting off the river the skyline was gorgeous.    Once we crossed over into Canada we had a wide road so the crowd thinned out.  Miles 4,5,and 6 were pretty easy and I hadn't taken a walk break yet.  I finally decided that I should walk for a minute just to save some energy so I walked through the next water station.  Got to the tunnel...that was HARD.  It is only 2 lanes so it was crowded again and it was HOT!  I struggled through the tunnel but finished my "underwater mile" in right at 11 minutes.    When I got out of the tunnel I was watching for David because he was planning to be there but I didn't see him.  I got my cell phone out of my belt & called him, but he hadn't gotten there yet.  He thought the race started at 7:30 and knew I wouldn't "start" until about 15 minutes after the official start time.  It actually started at 7:15 so I started around 7:30 (we didn't communicate about that...I told him 7:30 and he thought it was the race but I meant when I would probably start).  So he hadn't gotten to the tunnel yet and had to find another place to go watch.    Shortly after I heard someone yell "go kaci" but I didn't know them.  Then I remembered our names are printed on our bibs!  A couple of other times people yelled for me...that was pretty cool that they didn't know me but yelled for me anyway.  This is the first race I've run where they put your name on your bib.  I was wearing a GT shirt as my outer layer & a couple of times people yelled "Georgia Tech" or "Yellow Jackets" too.  I love good crowd support!    Anyway, I got to the water station between 11 & 12 miles.  By then I had decided I should walk through every water station, to give myself a little break and to make it easier to drink.  About the time I threw my cup down I saw David, with the camera, and I was WALKING!  I quickly started running again and then he brought the kids to the curb so I could give them hugs & high fives, then I went on.    I passed the 12 mile marker & was getting really tired, but I was determined to run to the finish line.  I got there finally...that last half mile seemed to last forever!  But I finished...in 2:08:49!    I am pleased with my run.  I am really sore today but it's totally worth it.  I have said I want to run a marathon and I'll admit yesterday's race has me questioning that dream.  I'll admit...I don't know if I can handle twice the distance I did yesterday.  I definitely have a long way to go to get there.

it's people like this

It's people like this who make me want to tear my eyes out. Here's the story, from AOL:

Mom Has 2 Sets of Twins in 1

A Texas mother has given birth to her second set of twins in less than a year.

Samantha Lopez, of San Antonio, already had two children when she delivered her first set of twins in December, KABB-TV reported. Soon after, she found out she was pregnant again with another set. The babies, a boy and a girl, were born last week.

Lopez and her boyfriend, Lorenzo Saldana, told KABB they are depending on food stamps to support the family because neither can work due to the demands of caring for their six young children. Saldana said he plans to find work when the babies are a bit older. Lopez is a licensed childcare provider.

Seriously? I understand caring for 6 young children would be difficult, but to have baby after baby without having some way to provide for them, BESIDES food stamps?!?! I am glad to know that not only is my husband working hard to provide for his family but he's also working hard to provide for families like this. NOT! We think the economy is shitty now, what would happen if every couple with more than one child at home decided that both parents needed to stay home because the children are demanding? And wouldn't you expect a licensed childcare provider to be able to handle her OWN 6 children without her husband staying home? I can't even find the words I am so outraged over this.

Let me make it clear...I have no problem with people taking government assistance, when it is a valid need. When people work hard and something happens (either a job loss or a health situation, for example) and they need help, they *should* take the help. But people like this who abuse this system really piss me off.

can I get some cheese too?

Last Tuesday I felt great.  Went to the gym for a short run before my step class, did an easy 2.25 miles, went to class, about halfway through class my legs started to feel really weak and I was complaining about the heat in the room.  I got home, showered, and felt a little better but still weak and shaky.  Wednesday morning I got up and was blasted...fever, aches, chills, sore throat, overall blah feeling.  It continued until this weekend, when the fever finally disappeared but everything else...still here.  I haven't run or worked out since Tuesday.  (and do I need to remind you I'm running a half marathon on the 18th?)    I told David yesterday that I didn't care how bad I felt, I needed to run, to know that I could.  When he got home from work I did just that...I laced up & headed out, planning to do a 3.1 mile loop.  I felt horrible.  I almost turned around and came home, more than once.  I pushed on, even when I felt like someone was tightening my heart rate monitor around my chest, even when my throat burned like it's never burned before, even when every single breath I took hurt like hell.  I pushed on.    I got home and collapsed, sobbing, in a chair.  I was so upset.  David didn't quite know how to handle me, he kept asking if I was hurt and I could barely breathe to say no.  I finally settled down enough to whine that I was upset over being sick, so close to the race, when I should be peaking and instead I feel like krap.  I whined that it is so unfair that I've worked hard for this, and now it's all ruined because of this stupid cold.  And how it hurt to run and I can't finish training.  Even though I know I don't *need* to run any more between now & race day, I'm afraid I haven't done *enough* to be my best Sunday.   And I'm still worried I won't be 100% better too.  Stupid cold.    And yeah, I know I should be thankful my biggest problem is a cold.  It could be worse.

what to do? what to do?

Y'all are probably tired of hearing me mention running, but oh well, as Matthew would say, I'm going to do it anyway. I used to run just to run the Peachtree 10k. Every spring when it was time to sign up, I'd sign up & start training. I trained, ran July 4, and quit until the next spring. It wasn't something I loved. When I first started running this summer, I figured I'd enter some 10k's, just to keep me running, and I casually said "someday I want to run a marathon." Well this time, I joined a running moms group and these ladies Inspired me. Yeah, Inspired with a capital "I". As I read their messages, I read about their running, their races, their stories, their lives...I was and am truly Inspired.

I decided to try to run a half marathon. Those ladies encouraged me that I could do it. They encouraged me that if I could run 5 miles I could run a half. I tested myself. I signed up for the Detroit Half Marathon. I am so excited to be running this race. Through my training, I know that a marathon is a reasonable goal. I can and WILL do it. But WHEN?

I could train and be ready to run it 18 weeks after my half (solely based on the training program I've been following for the half). That would be late Dec/early Jan, which would mean training over Thanksgiving & Christmas, which I could do but we travel a lot & I'm usually not good about exercising when I'm out of town. I'm sure if I signed up for a race I would be better though. But that would also mean training in the winter months here...and I'm not sure about how I'd do a long run in the cold, possibly snowy, Detroit winter. I can't imagine running 20 miles on the treadmill or even on the track at my gym (that would be ~200 laps...wowzers!). So I'd need to run outside, and I'm not sure I'm that tough.

So maybe I find a spring marathon...there's actually one that starts/finishes less than half a mile from my house. Easy enough, right? But it's a small one, with ~400 finishers last year. That intimidates me. I'd rather run a big one with thousands of other people.

Then, there's the issue of children. David & I want at least one more child. My next birthday I'll be 35. The chances of becoming pregnant, the chances of a healthy pregnancy, the chances of a healthy baby...all that goes down the older I get. I know there's no magic number, but I don't want to wait until I'm much older, especially if we think we might want more than one more. Plus Scarlett will be 3 in June, and I don't want a huge age gap between children. (I hated my almost 7 year old younger sister for oh, almost 15 years.)

So do I put off my newfound love of running to try for another baby? Or do I keep running and finish that marathon before I get rid of my IUD? I want both these things, and I know I can have them both, but I don't know which I should pursue first.

On the one hand, if I've run a marathon before I TTC, I'll be in good shape for a pregnancy. Hopefully I'll be closer to my goal weight when I get pregnant. I should be able to run more/longer into the pregnancy than if I'm not in as good of shape. On the other hand, if I haven't run a marathon maybe it would inspire me after the baby was born, to lace up my shoes.

I really don't know what to do, how to proceed, what's best...for me, my current family, and our hopeful additional member. I know no one can tell me what to do (although if you have advice/thoughts, I'd certainly appreciate your input). I know that it's a personal decision for David & me to make together, but I wish the answer could just fall into my lap. I hate making decisions!

our long night

Matthew & Scarlett are rotten, don't get me wrong, but I love them so much more than I ever imagined I could.  They are so freaking sweet sometimes.  Scarlett will just randomly ask for hugs & kisses, and Matthew seriously gives the best hugs ever.    Last night was terrible.  It started before naps when Scarlett started screaming that her stomach hurt.  I reassured her & told her if she took a nap it would probably feel better.  She went right to sleep so I wasn't concerned.  Then she woke up screaming.  Screaming like I can't describe...the worst I've heard her scream.  I comforted her and she settled down, only to do it again about an hour later.  Then again, then again.  I thought it was probably gas so I tried rubbing her tummy but when I would touch her she would flinch.  My poor baby.  It was mainly a periodic thing, she would scream and grab her stomach, obviously in pain.  Then I realized she had a fever.  (She hadn't had one earlier.)  The fever + the screaming worried me more because I knew gas wouldn't cause a fever.  Not to mention the screaming episodes were getting more frequent.  I called our pedi & he sent us to the ER.  David was in class so I called him to meet us there.    Sigh.  It was a long night at the ER, and we had Matthew with us because every time we thought one of us should take him home, a nurse or doctor would come in to check something or talk to us, so then we would both want to wait to see what was happening.  Eventually I decided it was crazy that I took her in because she hadn't screamed since we got there and her fever had gone down (I knew from the mom's lips to baby's forehead temp checking method...I forget the fancy name for that one.)  She was still whining occasionally but not the screams of earlier.  She also didn't flinch when I rubbed her belly anymore.  After all the checking and tests, the doctor said it was a virus of some kind and to just treat the fever.    I guess it's better to have spent several hours in the ER unnecessarily than to have stayed home and have it be something serious.  Our pedi mentioned a possible diagnosis that could lead to death in 2-5 days if left untreated, so it *could* have been serious.  But man last night sucked.   However, on the ride home Matthew said "Scarlett does your tummy feel better?" She replied, "yes" and he said "i'm so glad you are better."  Melt.  Gotta love that.

oh yeah

I finished the 10k in under 58 minutes.  My "previous best" was either 65 or 66 minutes.  I've never done faster than a 10 minute mile for any distance farther than one mile.  I'm feeling really good today, hopefully I'll still feel good tomorrow.  I also have to brag about David.  He is so awesome.  He took the kids & hung out with me waiting on the race to start, he went slightly ahead of me so he could take pictures at the starting line, then he loaded them in the car & drove to a spot along the race to watch & cheer.  I saw them once & figured I'd see them again close to the finish line, but no, my wonderful husband loaded the kids in the car again & again, and they cheered for me at several spots along the route.  How awesome is that?!?!  I was so encouraged by their smiling faces, and when he said "you're doing great" it made me want to run faster.  Every time I saw them I ran over to give Matthew & Scarlett high fives and/or hugs.  Unfortunately because I was running faster than my planned pace, they did not make it to the finish line in time to see my cross, but oh well, I was amazed they kept around the course.    After the race Matthew & Scarlett wanted to run with me, so we found a couple of trees and raced back & forth.  We stuck around for a while at the post race party then wandered around the zoo for a while.  Now we're home, David's gone out for a bike ride, and I'm waiting on the kiddos to fall asleep so I can take a much needed shower.  Then I'm hoping they'll nap long enough for me to nap too.    I feel good....

random bits

My race at the zoo is Sunday.  It's a 10k and for some reason I'm thinking it will be a personal record time for me.  I have no idea what to expect though, and I'm a little nervous.  I've only run big, fun races before, and I hope I didn't accidentally sign up for something that's super-competitive.  I don't want to finish last!  On a kind of related note, I think we're going to buy a zoo membership.  It's less than what it will cost for David & the kids to get in the zoo Sunday and then for all 4 of us to take a trip back to the zoo another time.  Matthew & Scarlett like to play where they're not supposed to.  Like my bathroom.  Matthew told me "we weren't coloring, we just played with the ropes."  I asked a few questions trying to figure out what the ropes were but no luck.  A little later he mentioned they "played with the fuzzy things they took out of the box and the bag."  He also said "I like those fuzzy things."  I'm still confused so I go upstairs to see what kind of shape my bathroom is in.  There were tampons everywhere!  Fuzzy things with ropes!  LOL Scarlett has been peeing on the potty (and pooping, but pooping came first).  She's been dry several times recently waking up from nap & I've taken her to potty.  Last night when I got in from my run David had panties on her.  This morning she wet 3 pair of panties, but also peed on the potty a couple of times.  Patience I tell myself.  I restarted weight watchers last week (the day after Labor Day).  When I weighed in Tuesday I had dropped 5.2 lbs.  When I weighed yesterday I had dropped another 1.2...I won't officially count that until Tuesday but it did make me feel good.  I'm so happy it's football season.  I love watching college football, not so crazy about pro.  Unfortunately my team got their asses handed to them last night.  We looked horrible! Have a great weekend! :)

Matthew's first day at preschool

Matthew's preschool offers breakfast for parents on the first day so they can all cry together. I think it's silly but thought it would be nice to meet the other moms. My sister gave me a good talking to last night about not making fun of any parents who did happen to be crying and I knew she was right, if I wanted to befriend these women I shouldn't laugh at them, at least not the first time I'm meeting them.

David went in to work a little late so he could walk over with us. We all 4 walked over to the school and as we got close Matthew said he was tired and asked if we would carry him. David picked him up & carried him to the doorsteps and then said, "Ok, now you walk in" (wanting to get pictures, and I had Scarlett), and Matthew went into meltdown mode. "No I'm tired, I want you to carry me." "I don't want to go to school." "I want to go home." on & on. I took the camera & David picked him up & took him in. He kept crying & clinging to David all the way to the door. I didn't want him to upset any other children but we wanted to take him to his classroom. Fortunately when he saw another child go in & he saw all the toys he calmed down IMMEDIATELY & went in without a goodbye to either David or me. Crisis averted. David went to work but I stuck around in the hall for a few minutes to make sure he was settled then I took Scarlett upstairs for the parents' breakfast.

Upstairs I met some other moms & we chatted. The only one that seemed to be struggling with the first day was a mom of 3 and this was her baby. She mentioned knowing having older children how fast it all goes by & that she's just sad it's the last time she's experiencing these things. I can understand that. Hopefully I haven't experienced my last pregnancy, and I already get sad that I won't be pregnant again & again & again. All of the moms seem nice, only one dad stuck around & he seemed nice too. I was disappointed none of them had children Scarlett's age...I was hoping for some playdates & things, and just thought it was be convenient to find someone at Matthew's preschool. Oh well. I'll find her some playmates somewhere else.

Scarlett & I walked home & she played while I started laundry & cleaning up some things. I saw her throw a toy & I reminded her that we don't throw toys in the house. She said "not me, it was bruh-er." It was amazing how instinctual that was, for her to just blame him. When I pointed out that he's not home she started walking around saying "bruh-er, where are ooo?" Pretty cute.

We picked Matthew up and he said he loved school. His teacher said he had a great day. We ran some errands and he talked about his teachers, his new friends, the toys, and the playground. It sounded like he enjoyed it. Then he told me he missed me, David, and Scarlett and that made him sad. I told him that we would be there to pick him up & when he misses us he can tell Mrs. D and she will give him an extra hug.

I think I'll need to take the stroller when we walk over for pick up & drop off though, because today both kids wanted me to carry them home. It's not far but adding 70 lbs of toddlers to the walk makes it seem long!

closeness

Matthew & Scarlett have their fair share of fights but all in all they have a really good sibling relationship.  Just the right amount of sharing, helping, fighting, and loving.  A lot of days at naptime Scarlett will climb into Matthew's bed with him and as they hug, either she will say "I seep in he-ere" or Matthew will say "Scalett sleep with me."  So sweet.  (I haven't actually LET them sleep together, since I don't think they'd actually go to sleep...I think they'd play & giggle, which would be pretty sweet but it would make the rest of the evening rough on me.)   This evening while I was fixing supper*, they were playing in the family room.  I heard Scarlett kind of shout something so I said "What Scarlett?"  She replied, "I not talking to you I talking to bruh-er." and they giggled.  When I peeked in the room they seemed to be playing beautifully together.    I hope they will always love each other & be so close.  I have 2 sisters that I can't imagine life without, and while I do remember times that we hated each other**, now that we're all adults we have fantastic relationships.       *  I'm from the South, "fixing" doesn't always mean correcting a mistake.  Sometimes it means "cooking," as used here.  Sometimes, when used with "to", it means "about to", as in, "I'm fixing to pour a glass of wine and eat supper."  And "supper" is the meal we eat in the evenings. ;)   ** When I say this, I really do think we hated each other.  If not hate, it was strong dislike.  Of course those sibling bonds meant we still stood up for each other if there was someone else involved, but I can remember specific times that we really didn't want to see each other ever again, for reasons I can remember very clearly today.

growing up fast

I knew this day would come but it seemed to sneak up on me.  I think I didn't really prepare because I *hoped* we would be moved by now but once we decided not to pursue opening a business of our own at this time, I finally started researching preschools.  Fortunately for us they don't fill up too quickly around here due to the current economy, and all of them around us still had openings.  So I decided to go the easy route of signing up for the one closest to our house :)  Of course that wasn't all my decision was based on, but it will be nice to get up, have breakfast, and walk Matthew to school those 2 days a week.    Tonight is orientation for parents and he starts next Thursday.  My baby is getting big!

I'm full of myself this weekend

Not only was I able to get out of bed easily yesterday, David & I took the kids on a bike ride.  We rode 30 miles, and I pulled the trailer for at least half the distance.  That's me biking with an extra ~90 lbs.  I think I could ride all day without the trailer, but adding that extra weight and hills makes for a tough ride.  It's a great activity for us to do together though, and the kids seem to enjoy it.  I think they like it for the picnic lunch & multiple playgrounds we find along our route.    While it's not what great athletes are made of, I think running 10 miles & biking 30 is something for this fat frumpy mommy to be proud of.  To celebrate my newfound awesomeness I signed up for the Detroit Half Marathon.

oh yeah

I just got home from a ten mile run.  That's right...10 miles.  I know, for some folks that's nothing, but for me...it's an accomplishment.  It gives me the confidence that I can be ready for the half marathon in 6 weeks.  Woohoo!    I know the true test will be how I feel tomorrow, but right now I feel like I could run another 5 miles pretty easily.  We'll see what tomorrow brings, but right now I feel great!

How is it?

How is it that I can run 6.25 miles, but when I take Matthew up the stairs for bed I'm winded?  This is not where I need to be.  This is not where I was a year ago.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I need to do better.  I'll start next week.  Heh.  I said that.  Yep - I'm procrastinating.  Right now I have too much junk food crap in the house I need to start fresh after a good grocery store/produce market run, which won't happen until the weekend.  So I'm starting WW again next week.  I should be able to carry Matthew upstairs & breathe at the same time.

I run versus I'm a runner?

I knit.  I call myself a knitter.  From the day I started my first project (not just practice swatches), I called myself a knitter.  I *still* refer to myself as a new knitter but a knitter none the less.   I do not call myself a runner though.  I've never run more than 10k at once (those were several years ago) but even when I was running then I did not call myself a runner.  I would say "I run" or "I went for a run" but never "I'm a runner."  I'm on a forum of running moms and they recently had a "you know you're a real runner when..." post and I can check off things on there, but I'm still not a runner.  I guess it's in my head.   I've been "running" again for 2.5 months, with a break because of vacation/death in the family/injury, so I've been really running for maybe 1.5 months of that time.  I can run 3-4 miles at a time but at a snail's pace.  I can run 0.5-1 mile at a time faster, then walk, and alternate doing that.    I'm not sure I have a point, I'm just pondering.  I would like to be a runner, would love to call myself a runner, but I can't.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.  Why is it that I've completed some races (although again it was years ago), and I don't feel comfortable calling myself a runner, but before I even completed a knit project I felt comfortable calling myself a knitter?

itchy scratchy

I put on old t-shirt this morning.  It's at least 12 years old and I've worn it pretty regularly.  Not so much it's ratty but it's well loved enough that I only wear it at home.  Today though the tag is driving me cuh-razy!  Where did my soft cozy t-shirt go and when did it get replaced with this itchy scratchy tag one?

No, I just made that up

I had some books on hold at the library and got a call last week they were ready to pick up.  So Friday I decided we'd walk to the library to pick them up.  I load the kids in the bike trailer/stroller and we walked down there.  Unfortunately there was a note on the door that the library wouldn't open until later than normal that day.  We did our other errands, came home, had lunch, and took naps.  The kids napped later than normal and it was 5:00 before they woke up.  The library closes at 5:30 but that was plenty of time for us to walk back down there.  I loaded them up again and we headed that way.  About a third of the way there it started sprinkling.  Looking at the sky I knew it was going to come harder but I thought we had time.  HA! I didn't get half way and it was pouring down.  I decided since the sky was so dark I should run home instead of continuing on.  I didn't take the time to put the cover on the trailer because I was afraid we wouldn't make it to the library in time and what's a little rainwater on us anyway.  We ran home and loaded up in the car to drive to the library.    When we got inside at the library I decided to see if they had any movies I wanted.  While I was looking I overheard a man say to another man "well at least it isn't raining yet."  I was standing between the two of them and I smiled and said "yes, actually it is."  The second man then noticed how wet Matthew was and said "oh yeah, he's soaked."  I said "yeah we walking here when it started raining."  They comment to each other on how the library is so quiet they couldn't even hear the rain.    First guy leaves.  I don't get a movie, go to desk and get my books.  As the elevator arrives for us to leave, first guy steps off and says "You're right.  It is raining out there."  It made me wonder, did he think I made it up?  Did he think I drenched myself & the kids just for fun?  Maybe ran through a sprinkler or four on our walk?

Matthew's ortho check up

Matthew had an ortho check up yesterday.  He got a good report from the doctor, who always mentions how flat feet are a "side effect" of club foot treatment.  He seems to forget that flat feet run in David's family, so even if Matthew hadn't been treated for club foot he'd probably have flat feet.  The club foot just kind of sealed it.    Anyway, at our last checkup the doc told us we could stop the bracewear, but the latest studies show that there's a 10-15% chance of relapse in the 4th year of bracewear, and that drops to 6% in the 5th year.  Of course there's no way to predict what children might relapse and which ones won't (if there was then some children might never need the brace), so we're not willing to take any unnecessary chances with Matthew.  He tolerates the shoes very well and until/unless he starts to fight us, I see no reason to stop using them.    At this appointment the doctor didn't even discourage our continued use.  He even wrote us a script for a new pair of shoes since Matthew has outgrown the current pair.

Thank you oh wise one

Yes Beth that would be you. I figure your comment deserves a separate post, not just a reply to your comment.

I am thankful for the things I have, and the people I have in my life. I realize how blessed I am to have them. I think there are things in my life I've worked damn hard for, and that hard work should be rewarded so some of the stuff I actually *do* deserve. But the other stuff not so much. And you make a great point about people struggling, and you know I don't think that is true. Except in some cases I do. There are times I can't feel bad for someone because I think they put themselves in the situation. Sigh. That's a whole 'nother can o' worms.

Anyway, to expand on my original post...I have awesome children. I'm not the only one that thinks that. While I think that some days I'm a good mom, most days I feel like a bad mom. I don't know what to do to be a better mom, and that makes me sad. And it's not like I had a bad mom growing up...I had a GREAT mom. Unfortunately I don't remember my toddler years enough to know what she did then to be a great mom and the things she did when I was older that I do remember aren't really applicable for a 2 & 3 year old. I've been thinking it's really a disservice to my kids that I'm a stay at home mom, and that makes me sad.

I've been having to fight myself lately to not overreact to little things they do. It's like the smallest thing makes me really angry, and I don't want to be angry mom. If I turn into angry mom I'm thinking my kids won't be so awesome anymore. But how do I NOT become angry mom? Writing this it sounds so stupid...what is there to be angry about? It's really stupid stuff, like when I ask Matthew right before lunch if he needs to potty & he says no but then after he sits at the table for 2 minutes he needs to potty. And when I ask them what they want for lunch & they ask for different things and I actually make them different things (which is not normal...usually I make them decide on one thing, or I'll say we'll have A today & B tomorrow), and then one of them pitches a fit about the thing they ASKED for. Yeah, those things make me insane. It seems all the issues revolve around mealtime, or either just general whining. I can't stand whining. I can handle crying or screaming, hell I can even handle tantrums, but whining is worse than nails on a chalkboard. I try leaving the room, but then when I return & the whining continues I get mad. I don't know what to do.

I definitely feel like my kids deserve better than what I'm giving them, which makes me think I don't deserve them, or at least I don't deserve them being so wonderful. I need to find a way to change my reactions so I can think even if I don't fully deserve them, I at least don't think I don't, KWIM?

Now I'm rambling. Sorry. I just need to get it out, and even this doesn't feel like I'm totally getting it out. I can't put it into words. I don't know how. I think I'm trying to say I feel like a rotten mom. While I'll never be June Cleaver (is that even the right name?) I'd at least like to be good at this. It's the most important job I've ever had.

am i the only one?

Sometimes I just feel completely unworthy.  I have so many good things in my life and I often wonder why.  I don't think I deserve any of it.  Am I the only one out there that thinks these things?

seriously?

Otherwise known as the post where I write about my father-in-law. Um yeah, this weekend he's visiting and I've been full of "seriously?" moments ever since he got here.

Friday he arrived mid-afternoon while the kids were napping and David was at work. While we tried to make small talk before the kids woke up he told me we need to make Matthew tough. He says David was never bullied because he was one of the bigger boys in his class, but that "these days if they aren't the bully they are the bullied." So he wants us to make Matthew a bully. Seriously?

That morning I'd picked up steaks to grill, figuring I'd bake some potatoes and either cook some spinach I had or throw together a salad (still with the spinach). I'm sure I've eaten those bagged salads at his house that included spinach, and he's grilled steak when we've visited him, so I figure that's a pretty safe meal. When David gets home & mentions steak, FIL tells us "well I don't eat much meat. Didn't you know that?" WTF? Then "I guess I'm kind of a vegetarian." (until he visits my house where I don't mind eating animals, and if you don't, well then you need to let me know in advance!) Then David says "well we're having potatoes and spinach too." "I don't like spinach."

I decided to make salad instead of creamed spinach since I had a variety of lettuce too. I put the spinach in one bowl & mixed the lettuce in another. He did eat the lettuce. But again, I know we've had spinach at his house before. And steaks, but who am I to say he's not a "new" vegetarian? ::eyeroll::

Saturday was ok...he & David went to the Woodward Dream Cruise with the kids while I went to the gym, showered, got my hair cut (which is a whole 'nother post), and got a pedicure. Then I went to a friend's wedding. I met her online when we were both pregnant together, we became friends, and have kept in touch since. She happened to be from a nearby town and although she lives in Florida now, she got married here. That was kinda cool. It was also kinda cool that FIL was here to babysit for the wedding/reception, right? He's the only one of our parents who has never watched the kids for us. Not that I mind that and I certainly don't expect them to babysit, but it sure is nice when they offer. So he babysat Saturday night. We've never had a sitter call us when we were out, NEVER. In the middle of dinner, David's phone rings. "Uh-oh" and he slips out. So anyway, his dad called because Matthew was not listening & cooperating getting ready for bed.

OF COURSE MATTHEW WASN'T LISTENING & COOPERATING GETTING READY FOR BED!!! You're NOT his parent & he's going to TEST you! But to call David over that? Really?

Turns out, he called 2 more times while we were at the reception. Seriously?!? This man has 5 children of his own, yet he couldn't get a 3-1/2 year old to bed? And when he couldn't get that child to bed, he didn't have sense enough to put a movie on & just let him fall asleep on the couch? Really? Geeze louise.

Sunday we had tickets for the NASCAR race. We wanted to leave the house by 10, and as we're getting things ready FIL asks what he can do to help. David says "here are Scarlett's shoes & socks, put them on her." Not hard, right? WRONG! I was in the kitchen & I heard:

• FIL: "I can't get them on her. She's not giving me the sock."
  
• David: "what?"
  
• FIL: "she put her sock on her hand and won't give it back."
  
• Me (thinking to self): wtf? she's 2. take it from her.
  
• David: "Well take it from her."
  
• FIL: "I can't."
  
• me (again, thinking to self): Um, you're a man, she's 2, why the hell not?
  
• David: "Just take the sock off her hand. Put it on her foot." (cracks up laughing)

We got to the racetrack & start putting sunscreen on the kids, FIL says he doesn't need any because he already has a tan. (Um yeah, cuz you use bronzer. That's right...I saw it in the bathroom. I know it was his because it wasn't ours. How many 68 year old MEN do you know who use bronzer?) Guess what FIL's first words besides "good morning" were this morning? "I think I got sunburned yesterday." Fucking serves you right. No sympathy here.

He complained yesterday that David walks too fast & he can't keep up with him. I'm a foot shorter than David & don't have a problem keeping up. I know - he's 68 years old, but he also complained about how far they walked Saturday. He told me "we must have walked 20 miles." I understand that people exaggerate to make a point, but David said it was probably 2 miles, and his dad kept insisting it was at least 10. So David mapped it...2.4 miles. Today when I offered him lunch he said he didn't want anything. Then he told me that he doesn't eat much, just a little bit in the mornings & that's it. I told him if he ate more he might be able to keep up with David.

I think he's a vain man who is getting older & afraid he's not attractive anymore. He's trying not to gain weight but instead of doing it in a healthy way he's starving himself. And he uses bronzer. I say this based on a lot more background too, not just these things. I don't have a problem with men using bronzer.


OK, maybe I think it's a tad weird.

fuck

I punched a hole in the jeep top tonight. The top was down & I was putting some shit in the back (why I didn't just put it in the floorboard I'll never know). When I slammed the door a hinge caught on the top and poked right through. Fuck. Replacements aren't cheap. And we live in fucking Michigan where it um, snows, in the winter.

On a good note, I ran 4 miles last night & my hip didn't bother me today. I did another 2 miles today (running, not counting my walking breaks) and it still seems ok. Ibuprofen is my friend. I go for an annual check up with my pcp next week so I do plan to talk to him about it - if nothing else maybe he'll give me a referral to a new sports chiropractor that's opened up shop & she will test me to see if I need some adjustments.

I'm also signing up for a 10k in September. I think I could do it now (running/walking, not pure running), but hopefully by then I'll be able to do it with a decent time. I really wanted to run the half marathon in October but after my hip troubles I am afraid to make that commitment. I'm not sure I have time to train...if the hip hadn't interfered, I could have done it, I'm sure.

Peanut butter & banana sandwiches are yummy. For some reason I've been craving them big time lately. Smear a little pb on each slice of bread, slice up the nanner and put it in the middle, throw a little buttah on the outside and toss it on the skillet. Mmmmmmm. No wonder I'm not losing weight.

Is it a little weird that my relaxation lately comes from knitting & exercise? (Not at the same time of course. I'm not that coordinated!) I think both of those are normally relaxing things, but I tend to think of knitters as older people who don't exercise. I know, such a stereotype, but it's true. And here I am, to relax I go for a run, come home, shower, kiss the kiddos goodnight, and pick up sticks.

tomorrow maybe i'll post about the cute things the kids are up to

What is compassion?

I think most people try to be compassionate when someone they know is going through something rough.  Sometimes it is hard to know how to convey that though.  Case in point - an acquaintance of mine lost her husband 2 weeks ago.  He passed away suddenly at the age of 46.  He hadn't been through any long illness, had any type of injury, no signs of any problems.  This acquaintance is someone who goes to the same boot camp class I go to at the gym.  We are friendly at class but our paths don't cross outside of the gym, and even though we often have social gatherings for the group, she & I have never been at one together.  Another person in the class is good friends with her and they suggested she would need support down the road when the family is gone, etc.  Since she wasn't someone I would call a friend, I did not attend any of the services.  I have not spoken with her.    Then, she showed up at class Saturday in the middle of class.  Towards the end of class we happened to be side by side and a little isolated from the rest of the class.  Normally in that situation I would chit chat with whomever was there but I didn't feel comfortable making idle chatter without giving condolences.  But then I felt strange offering condolences mid-workout because I felt like her coming to class was a way of trying to get back to her day to day activities and find a new normal.  So I'm torn but finally I ask how she is and tell her I'm sorry and that she's been on my mind.  She got really choked up and I found myself apologizing for bringing it up.  She reassured me that it was ok and that it's good to know people care.   I felt terrible, but I really didn't know how to handle being there with her and not having spoken to her earlier.  (Not that it's about how I feel, because I know, it's not.)  So in a situation like this, is is more compassionate to ignore the situation and make idle chit chat, or is it more compassionate to extend the sympathy, even if it's not the best place and time?

long time no update

I guess it's a good thing - there's really not much going on in my life. Take kids to the park/playground, go to the gym, spend time with David, watch some tv, knit, go on bike rides, play on the computer, laundry, dishes, play with the kids, read to the kids, cook, dust, vacuum, sleep...I think that's pretty much my last week.

I got a comment from "the other Kaci" suggesting my shoes might be contributing to my hip pain & I'm afraid she's right. I just can't remember exactly when it started, if it was before or after I started running in my new shoes. I hate thinking I've spent moolah on shoes & now need to spend moolah on more shoes. I'm trying to stick it out, making sure I'm stretching good and planning to add some strength training into my routine, as I've been told that will help. If nothing seems to work, I'm going to the specialty running shop to have them watch me run, check out the wear on my shoes, and recommend a new shoe. They also once or twice a month have a physical therapist come in & work with people on their running, so I'll sign up for that as well.

Other things - good customer service. I bitch about bad service if I get it, so it's only fair to compliment good service. I needed tea tree oil last week so I put the kiddos in the wagon and walked to the local health food store. I didn't think about the doorway to the store & how aggravating it would be to get the wagon in, but someone noticed me coming & held the door open for me which made it easier. There were 2 employees stocking shelves and one of them immediately asked if she could help me. I told her what I needed, she pointed me to the aisle. I found it, compared prices & sizes, and she asked if I found what I was looking for. When I replied "yes thanks" she said let her know if I needed anything else. When I went to check out, I moved the wagon off to the side because there wasn't room for it at the register. While she was running my transaction, she asked me if I would mind if she put some chips in a bag for the kids. I said no and she fixed a bag, I called Matthew over & she gave it to him. She told him that was a reward for being so good in the store and that he should share with his sister.

I really appreciate this kind of service. The health food store is not a store I would want to take the kids - there are a lot of breakables & it's not laid out great for a stroller or wagon. But it's easier for me to go during the day. For her to be so welcoming to me when the kids were with me meant a lot. Much better than the yarn experience I had last year!

the silent escape

It's no secret that Scarlett is an escape artist.  She first climbed the baby gate when she was about 9 months old.  Unfortunately we live in an old house and most of the doors won't close so we have to use baby gates in some places.  At night each of the kiddos has a gate at their bedroom door.  Scarlett can climb hers, but she usually doesn't unless it's after her nap.  Until this week, when she started climbing it in the mornings too, but it's no problem because she just walks downstairs & finds whoever is awake.  That's fine, as long as there is a grownup awake.  Buuuutttt, this weekend, David's out of town & I'm on my own.  I have a weird thing of not being able to go to sleep when he's not home so Friday night I had been asleep for about 2 hours when Scarlett was beside my bed grabbing me saying "mommy".  A glance at the clock told me it was 5:15 so I put her back in her bed.  Around 6:30 I heard her & Matthew giggling.  She was outside his gate.    Last night I tried to go to sleep earlier but couldn't...last time I noticed the time it was 3:53.  At 6:20 this morning I heard pitter patter on the stairs.  I got up & she heard me, so she came back up the stairs.  She had my contact lens solution & an empty cup in her hand, both things from our bathroom cabinet.  I made it a point to close the bathroom door last night when I put her down so at least I would hear her if she opened it, but no dice...she was super quiet or else I was really out of it.  She had also gotten into my makeup bag, and had eyeliner and lipstick all up & down her legs.  Nice.    Obviously I've got some childproofing to do.

getting old sucks

Normally I don't complain about aging as I figure it's better than the alternative, but sometimes a girl's just gotta whine.  As I've been running more & more, my right hip has been hurting more & more.  I mentioned it to my boot camp teacher & she diagnosed me with ITBS.  She gave me some stretches to do to help, then I read up on it, and decided to add some biking in as cross training to help.  (of course then I read the wiki link that says it's associated with cycling too)   Last weekend David & I took the kids on a bike ride.  He hauled the trailer most of the time and the ride was very easy for me.  Once I got the trailer I could tell a big difference, as that extra 85 lbs is a lot for me.  He ended up blowing a tire (and while we had an extra tube, we did NOT have an extra tire) so I left him & the kiddos at a playground & biked home to get the car.  All told I rode almost 30 miles and felt great.  I resumed running during the week, then I decided Monday to go for a ride since I had been pretty lazy all weekend.  My hip has been sore but biking last weekend hadn't bothered me.  The kids & I spent almost all day Monday out & about.  I stopped several times along our ride to let them play and we had a picnic lunch.  All told I rode about 35 miles, this time by myself with them, so that extra weight was all mine to carry.  No problem, I still felt great.   Tuesday night, I went to step, just like always and was fine.  I've been running some either before or after class so did a short run.  Then I made the mistake of falling asleep on the couch.  I woke up yesterday morning in so much pain I couldn't describe it.  My hip & back were terrible.  Carrying a child on my hip...IMPOSSIBLE!  The pain is slightly better today but I can't get comfy, sitting or laying down, only standing up.    Now I have to figure out if it's something about my running form that is just bad so I can correct it & keep up the activity.  And if it's not that then what could it be?

my droolicious weekend

My weekend was awesome! My friend from Pittsburgh got here Friday afternoon so we hung out. Then our other friends & sitter got here, and David got home from work. Once the sitter was settled in with the kids, we left. We went to Lafayette Coney Island to eat. It's kind of a Detroit landmark and I hadn't eaten there, so it was cool. Food was tasty. We left there & went to the stadium. The first band, I don't know anything about them & we could barely hear so we just chatted. Then Skynyrd came on. I wouldn't mind seeing them as the headliner. LOVE that guitar! They put on a good fun show. Then Kid Rock had some trouble getting set up, but finally came on a little before 10. He was AMAZING. He put on a super great show. His energy was just high high high (um energy wasn't the only thing high!) and he was very entertaining. The crowd was amazing - I don't think I've ever seen so many people at a concert, and to think he sold out 2 nights in a row. As crappy as the economy is people were still out having a good time, maybe taking a night off from worrying about that shit. Him being from here I think made it even better. He performed over 2 hours & was just great. When we left one of my friends said "no wonder he's so skinny". LOL

Saturday my girlfriend & I hung out. David had the kids all day - he took them to an air show while we went shopping. He also took them to the grocery store & did all our shopping, which I hate doing with them! He's a great hubby to give me pretty much the whole weekend off. Saturday night we went out for drinks, gossip, and pizza.

Sunday my girlfriend went home :( & I napped. Then went to the concert Sun night. Backstage was great. David teased me a lot because earlier he had said he wondered if Trace would be sitting down at a table doing autographs or if he'd be standing up and I said "well I hope he's standing up so I can feel how big he is". I *meant* because he's so tall, but it sounded bad. So anyway, get back there & I'm all giddy like a freaking 13year old. Fortunately all the other ladies back there were just as bad. And yeah, he was standing up so I got to feel him. His voice when he talks just makes me quiver, and omg he smelled so good. MMMmmmmmmm. Unfortunately he wasn't doing any autographs, just pictures, but hey, I got to hug him, talk to him for a couple of minutes, and snap some pics. Then the concert....OMG he is just fun and I could watch him all day every day. And Toby...mmmmmmm again. I don't know what it is about him, he's not good looking but man oh man he does something to me. I could watch him all day every day too. At the end of the show they sing together & I'm just thinking "oh yeah, that's my dream right there...put me in between them...mmmmmm" LOL - Fortunately David doesn't mind me drooling over them - he's the one that bought me the tickets. Of course if he knew all my thoughts he might not buy them again. I had a naughty dream about Toby Sunday night. ;)

lookin' forward to the weekend

Got tickets to see Kid Rock tonight with Lynyrd Skynyrd (gotta love southern rock).  A friend is coming in from out of town for the show so we'll have to find something fun to do tomorrow too.    Then Sunday I have tickets to see Trace Adkins & Toby Keith (yeah, again).  David bought me tickets for my birthday but didn't wan to tell me he had them when we had the chance to go to the other show.  This one should be even better though - I have a backstage pass & we've got much better seats.        and re-reading this I don't think I've ever sounded more redneck

I'm back

I've actually been back from my trip for a week now, but it's been hectic & I've had stuff to do around the house so I've avoided blogs, including my own. I'll post a quick summary of our trip:

• June 19 - drove to TN to visit with David's family. Found out Saturday morning his grandfather was in really bad shape in the nursing home, had been in & out of the hospital for the last couple of weeks. Pissed with FIL for not letting us know it was this bad. We visited him too, a couple of times, and it was hard. As hard as it was for me, I know it must have been horrible for David.
  
• June 21 - Happy Anniversary to us. 12 years. Instead of celebrating, David drove me to meet my parents. We swapped cars & I went to GA with them, he came home.
  
• Midweek - we went to the beach. Matthew caught a fish in the tidal pool. He didn't care that it was dead. Gag. My kiddos love the beach though - the sand, the water, all of it.
  
• Sunday June 28 - celebrate Scarlett's birthday. My sister baked the cake because she wants to make my nephew's and she's never made a cake before. We had a Pinkalicious theme so we put a little food coloring in the cake then we decorated it like a giant cupcake with different shades of pink icing. It was definitely Pinkalicious. David & I went to Jacksonville, FL - my BIL won concert tickets to see Trace Adkins & Toby Keith but he isn't a big fan of theirs so we went instead. It was a nice "date" for us. We spent the night with my sis & BIL and then went to the beach Monday, just the 2 of us. That was nice. My mom kept my niece too & the kids had a ball playing together all day Monday.
  
• Tuesday morning - got a call that David's grandfather passed away. Start figuring out our new plans.
  
• Thursday - back to TN. David's grandfather was an amazing man who lived 93 years and the last couple of years had just been so hard on him. I think his life was celebrated more than mourned.
  
• Saturday - go to Chicago. BIL lives there & had no trouble getting a flight down to TN but wasn't having much luck finding one back. We figured it would be nice to spend the night in IL before we came home....whatever. We did see nice fireworks displays from the roof of his building though.
  
• Sunday, July 5 - drive home. I think I spent over 60 hours in the car and David spent over 75. Whew.
  
• Monday, July 6 - try to return to normal life. Unpack, laundry, all that fun stuff. Whatever!

Now that that boring update is out of the way, tomorrow I'll try to resume some more interesting posting.

on the road again

We're heading to Georgia for 2 weeks. I may or may not post while I'm gone. I will run, even though it's supposed be over 100* almost every day we're there. I'll have to get up in the mornings to do it but I'm really excited about it now. I'm doing a combination of running at a slow pace and then other days I do intervals so I can run at a faster pace. Last night I ran 40 minutes and felt like I could run even longer. Someday I'm gonna run a marathon.

do clothes make a man?

Last night I went out with some fellow bootcampers.  It's really strange seeing people that you're used to seeing in workout attire in normal clothes.  Even stranger when you're used to seeing them all sweaty & nasty & they're cleaned up, with their hair done & makeup on (well the girls anyway).  Where it got me though, was this one guy.  He's a total hottie at boot camp.  Always wears shorts & a sleeveless shirt, and damn if I had energy to waste during that class I'd use it drooling over him.  Yeah, I'm a happily married woman but I'm allowed to look and occasionally drool.  The drooling doesn't happen often, and I've had girlfriends get annoyed with me when they say something like "OMG look at that guy - isn't he hot?" and I'm just like "eh, whatever."  So when I say I'd drool, this guy is hot.    Last night I did not even recognize him.  It had nothing to do with his hair or makeup, it was all about the clothes.  When all that yummy muscular goodness that I can see so clearly at bootcamp is covered up by normal clothes, his head looks freakishly small.  Imagine putting Matthew's head on an adult sized body.  THAT is how this man looked last night.  Freakish.  freakish.  freakish.    No more worries about the drool embarrassing me.

another matthewism

Sorry for my lack of updates lately - I'm really just trying to not sit at the desk so much! When I sit down the computer becomes a huge hole that sucks me in & doesn't let me out. Our trip to Florida was great. I haven't loaded the pictures onto the pc yet - maybe next year I'll be ready to post them. The condo we used was FABULOUS - lots of room, tile floors everywhere except bedrooms so the sand wasn't annoying, plenty of room for everyone, but best of all, once we got downstairs, we walked out of the building onto the pool deck, around the pool, through the gate, and we were on the beach. I love being right on the beach. Could get used to that. ;)

We just decided last night that the kids & I are leaving this weekend for a trip to Georgia. David will join us the following weekend. That means he won't spend Father's Day with the kids, we won't spend our anniversary together, and he won't see Scarlett on her birthday. As my mom often says "we can celebrate any day", and David has said the same to me about this trip. He really stresses that the kids don't know it's Father's Day or their birthday until we tell them, so we're going to kinda lie to them. That's what great parents we are.

I've been running again. It's been years since I've run, and it feels good, really good. I've even been going to the gym before my other classes to run a while before I spend an hour in class. My boot camp instructor has been really helpful in me establishing a routine so I know how to approach this running. I never really knew before, even when I was "training" for races. (and otherKaci, I haven't measured my inches in a while...thanks for reminding me to do that - I'll get on it before I go to Ga!)

Oh, what I started this post about. I give Matthew & Scarlett "alphabet pretzels" when they finish their lunch. Part of our conversation today went:

Matthew: What do those letters on the bag say?
Me: It says pretzels.
Matthew: What about those letters?
Me: That says alphabet letters.
Matthew: No. It says alphabet letters and broken alphabet letters because these aren't letters. They are broke.

While he was right that the pretzels were broken, it didn't really say that on the bag. ;)

Imagination

We just got back from the library.  I wanted to get some books for me and since the library's summer hours don't leave time for me to go alone I took the kiddos.  After I selected my books we played in the children's area for a while (unfortunately we missed the craft time to make octopus in support of the Red Wings) and then I asked Matthew and Scarlett if they wanted to select a book.  Matthew picked out a zebra book - I haven't really looked at it, and Scarlett grabbed a Sandra Boynton book that we don't have.  I've never read the book but as I put my books away, Matthew climbed up on the couch with Scarlett's book and started making up a story to go with the pictures.  Gotta love it!

ramblings

Tomorrow morning we leave for a long weekend in Florida.  It was originally going to be at MIL's house but she rented a condo & now several family members are flying in.  Matthew has been asking me every day for a week if we are going to the beach today.  This morning he surprised me by saying "one more day until we go to the beach."    Memorial Day weekend we weren't very patriotic.  We decided Friday night to go to Canada instead of staying here.  Matthew & Scarlett loved taking the ferry boat and camping.  They enjoy cooking hot dogs over a campfire but prefer their marshmallows straight out of the bag instead of roasted.  We took some nice hikes and enjoyed a quiet weekend away.  It was a much needed and enjoyed break.   We also scored almost last minute tickets to Game 2 of the Stanley Cup this past weekend.  After being frantic about having someone to watch the kiddos, Aunt Bef came through for us yet again...hooking us up with her cousin.  I think she was as nervous about it all as I was, when during the break between periods I said "and this is when I start to wonder how the kids are doing" (just because it's pretty much downtime, so my mind drifts) and she immediately said "I can call him."  Then when he didn't answer, a few minutes later I heard her ask her hubby "should I try him again?"  A marvelous example of why, when she suggested her cousin might be willing & interested, I trusted her word that he would be fine with my kids.  And we had oh so much fun at the game.  Since I'm hoping we'll be back in Georgia later this year, this probably was a once in a lifetime chance for us.  Let's go Wings! I also finished my first sock last week.  Woohoo!  What a nerd I am.  I'm working on its mate and yesterday bought more sock yarn.  I also received a shipment early this week of natural wool yarn that I plan to dye up myself.  I am so excited about this adventure...I used to love chem lab & one of my favorite textile labs was a dye lab.  I just need to choose what dye colors I should order.....   Running....I did make it to the gym last week to run & I was a little disappointed in how slow I am.  I did 3.1 miles (5k) in just under 36min.  NOT a good pace, but I went last night & did 1.5 miles in 15:15, so a good bit better (and that's counting a warm-up walk at the start).  I only ran 1.5 miles because I wanted to go to the step class and I didn't get there early enough to run more & get to class.  I would have gotten back on the treadmill after class if I hadn't wanted to kiss the kids goodnight.  I was really amazed at how great I felt last night.  Plan to run on the beach the next few days.  :)

cuh-razy dream

We went camping last weekend and I keep meaning to blog about our trip but life's getting in the way. Instead today I'm going to retell the crazy dream I had last night.

Started out in a waiting room at a doctor's office. They call me back but instead of the room they took me to being a normal exam room, it was a medium size room with chairs set up all around the walls. There were 2 other girls in there, Mellissa, who I went to school from 5th-12th grades with, and Tonya, who I knew from a student organization at Georgia Tech. Haven't seen or talked to either of them in at least 10 years. I sit down & chat with them, then Doctor B comes in. We chat & it's all good.

Then, in walks Preacher S, who was the preacher at the church I grew up in from the time I was 9 until a few years ago. He now lives just down the dirt road from my family back home and is like a member of the family, but certainly not close enough to be at my gyno's office with me!

More chatting, then he leaves (thank goodness!). Dr. B says if I'm ready for my exam she will leave so I can undress. She leaves but Mellissa & Tonya stay. And don't forget, there's nothing but chairs in the room. There's also no hospital gown or sheet or anything to cover up with. Oh well...I tell the other girls "I hope y'all don't mind seeing my ass today", then I strip and kinda lay in one chair with my knees up over the armrest & my feet in the next chair.

Then I wake up. WTF? Those of you who know me know I'd never put my bare ass in a chair that there's no telling WHO ELSE sat in!

Anyone out there interpret this sort of thing?

don't be negative

This whole weight loss thing isn't working too well.  I think I hit this weight & my body is comfortable.  I've plateaued here before, and pretty much decided I felt comfortable enough *here* to just maintain.  I did a good job of maintaining at this weight, until I moved to Michigan, went off bcps, quit exercising in the winter, got pregnant, got pregnant again, etc.  So here I am, weighing almost exactly what I weighed 5 years ago, and unhappy about it.  But dieting alone isn't working.  Dieting & exercising 2-3 times a week isn't working.  I know it isn't my workouts...I'm burning anywhere from 700-1100 calories per workout (depending on which workout).  That 1100 calories a workout is about what I was supposed to be eating per day on WW.  What's my problem?  Why can't I get past this hump?   I think the only thing I can do reasonably is exercise more.    I hate exercising at night.  I get all wound up and have trouble sleeping.  But I also hate getting up early in the mornings.  So I have to pick.  I'm going to exercise 6 days a week, some days going to the gym in the early evening, other days I'll go for a run after the kids are in bed.  And my Saturday morning favorite...boot camp.  For me to run, I have to have a goal.  I like running, I really do, but I'm competitive and I need something to motivate me.  I've decided I'm going to train for a marathon.    I know, I know...that's a HUGE commitment & it takes a lot of time.  I'm willing.  Yes, the most I've done in the past was a 10k, and I know there's a huge difference in a 10k and a marathon.  20 miles different.  I know.  But I believe in myself & I know I can do it.  The Atlanta Track Club always hands out a "10k to marathon" training program after the Peachtree Road Race.  Surely I can find something like that online.  And I have my training info from the 10k's I've done in the past.  I'm planning to go for a run Thursday to see where I'm at, then I'll set a goal for a 10k.  Because frankly, I don't think I could go out & run a 10k right now.   Maybe a 5k, but not a 10.  Once I set a goal for the 10k, I'll take a look at the calendar and set a goal for a marathon.  I'll do other things in between, but I need to have that final goal set.    Anyway, the point of my post is that tonight I was discussing my plan with my boot camp teacher after my step class.  This guy in the class that I don't even KNOW comes up and is like "have you ever run before?"  "You know that's hard on your body, right?"  "Have you seen marathon runners.  They don't have any extra weight."  I kinda took that last remark as a subtle way of saying "there's no way your fat ass is running a marathon."  Whatever dude.  Didn't your momma teach you if you don't have something nice to say to just keep your fucking mouth shut?!?!  Bite me!   Oh yeah, I've written this post with one contact lens floating around in my eye.  Remind me there's a reason I don't usually shower with them in.  Ouchie.  Ready for David to be home so he can help me fish it out!

finally friday

I really hate to complain, but this has been one of the longest weeks I can remember.  I think Matthew & Scarlett have a bad case of spring fever or something because they are totally uncooperative it feels like all day every day.  Oh wait, maybe that's called being 3 and almost 2.  I have been trying to get them outside as much as possible since I know how much they enjoy it and the weather has been beautiful.   The other day David took them to the park and Matthew insisted on pulling the wagon all the way home (except when crossing the kinda busy street where the light is barely long enough to get across the street...David pulled it there.)  He even pulled it up a long and steep hill that seriously, when I pull the wagon up that hill, I get tired.  And yes, Scarlett was in the wagon!   This weekend we are planning to find a campsite somewhere & camp.  We had such a nice trip last fall and again, the weather is beautiful.  We *might* go west and try to go to the sand dunes.  It's something I've wanted to do since we moved to Michigan and now that we might be moving I need to start crossing those things off my list.  Kind of a bucket list but just a moving list, huh?

I what?

Yesterday I was sick and at some point when Matthew asked me to play football I told him no because "I feel like poop." Last night when they sat down to eat supper and I walked in with Scarlett's bib, he looked up at me and said "mommy you smell like poop." David & I were both kind of astonished and then I remembered saying I felt like poop earlier so I think he was just confusing his senses. Rest assured I did not smell like poop!

Last night's Idol wasn't nearly as exciting as I hoped it would be. I actually thought Kris outsang Adam last night but over the whole season Adam has been the best. I don't vote so I can't say what goes through the minds of people who do vote. Do they take the whole season into account or just the current week? I dunno. I do think Kris has a slight advantage because I think people who liked Danny and still want to vote will prefer Kris over Adam. Either way, I don't think winning makes a difference. If Clay Aiken didn't prove that, Chris Daughtry did.

a little venting, a little idol

I'm just gonna do the Idol part first because that's the easy part. I think it's time for Danny to go. I like him, I really do, but he's been around long enough. Kris was AMAZING last night - to me he was better than Adam, last night. Funny how things change - I was ready for him to go home 2 months ago. He has shown so much improvement through the course of the season, and I don't think Danny has. Not that it's about improving, it's about talent, but let's face it, all 3 of these guys can be successful recording artists. I just think Kris & Adam are the top 2 at this point.

David & I are geeks and we keep a spreadsheet where we give each Idol a 1-10 each week. Not ranking, just rating. Kris had some making up to do, since I really didn't like him early on, but last night he took the lead over Danny. Adam still leads the pack though, easily. Tonight's show will have me on the edge of my seat.

Now for the venting. I don't care if you're a working mom or a stay at home mom, but I hate it when you get defensive about your choice. I have one friend who works and I honestly think she is incredibly guilt ridden about it. She is constantly making comments that put down stay at home moms like "I want to show my daughter she can have it all." It could be my own guilt but these remarks always strike a chord with me, like she's judging me for not working. I really do not care what choice an individual makes, as long as that person tries to do what is best for their child and family. I know moms who work because they have to financially, I know moms who work because they can't imagine staying home, I know moms who have creatively figured out ways to work from home to bring in the extra money their family needs. These choices are all fine. I know moms who would love to stay home but can't for whatever reason, and I feel badly for those moms, but I admire them for doing what they have to do. I know stay at home moms who love it. Great.

I'm often not one of them. Maybe that's my real problem with this friend - I no longer feel like I am "doing it all", as she seems to think she is. Really I think it's her tone. I feel terrible saying it, but there are days I really wish I wasn't staying home with the kids. I had it GREAT when I was working. I often said (and still believe) that I had the best of both worlds. I worked part time, arranging my hours so that I worked 3 days/week and had the kids home with me the other 2 days. I *loved* it. I also loved that I worked from home, so I didn't have to stress about the logistics of getting me & them ready for the day. I could start my day in my jammies if I needed to. I loved that my hours allowed me time to go to the gym while they were at daycare. I loved our daycare, and hated taking Matthew out when I lost my contract. I felt there were things he got there that he would not get at home. Unfortunately, in this economy and especially where we live (do you know unemployment in Detroit is 24%?!?!) there aren't part time jobs out there that would pay enough to cover my daycare costs. Sure, I could find some in home daycare (and don't get me wrong, I think some of those are wonderful) that would be cheaper than our other daycare, but I wouldn't. If I'm sending them to daycare I want them to be in the one they were in. I would need to earn $20/hour to just pay for daycare, not including any other costs. Not gonna happen.

If this move happens then maybe I will have that option - to work part time and be with the kids part time, but for now I'll continue to stay home with the kiddos & make the best of it. When they reach school age then I'll figure out what I really want to do and pursue that. I won't return to the field I was in because I still won't travel like I was. Hopefully in the next few months we'll come to a decision about our move and I won't need to think about it.

Until then, I'll continue to be annoyed when this friend makes remarks, even if that isn't her intent. I'll roll my eyes and assume she's just trying to allay her own guilt. I'll wonder if I'm not showing Scarlett the best possible example. And then I'll remind myself that as long as I am the best mommy I can be, I don't need to worry about Scarlett or Matthew - they'll be just fine!