this parenting thing

Well, it's hard. That about sums it up. I am so discouraged. No matter how much you try to do the right thing for your children, sometimes it just doesn't work out. I sit here beating myself up over things that I really can't control, my head is telling me I did the best I could but my heart is telling me I should have listened just a little more to that nagging voice, you know, mother's intuition. So my mothering assvice will now be, ALWAYS listen to your gut...no matter how many people tell you it's ok, if you don't truly deep down believe it, don't take that as the answer. Because it's not us as mothers who pay the price, it's our precious children.

This is all about Matthew's feet. He was born with bilateral clubfoot. We researched treatment options, our pediatrician recommended a doctor, we saw that doctor, he used the treatment option we thought sounded best from our research. Super. The first phase of treatment is casting, which is usually followed by a small surgical procedure. Usually. Except in Matthew's case the doctor said it wasn't needed. What a relief. Except I kept thinking "what are the chances he doesn't need it? Small. Less then 10% of children with clubfoot don't need this." I sent pictures of his feet to the leading expert, the guy who developed the procedure. From the pictures, the feet looked corrected. Great. But something still nagged at me. When our first doctor started breaking from protocol with the bracing schedule we decided to change doctors. We found another one, one who was "approved" by the master. We went there, he thought Matthew's heels were a little tight but ok, and told us to keep wearing the brace. The "little tight" nagged at me. But I have to trust the doctors, right? And 3 of them are saying it is ok. But Matthew isn't their child. He's mine. Ultimately I am the one responsible for making sure everything is ok.

A new doctor moved to Detroit who was also approved by the master, so we decided to change again and use him, just to save on the long drive to the first approved doctor. Every visit it was a different story...one time everything looked great, the next time he was concerned about tightness. Rinse & repeat. Unfortunately by this time Matthew was too old for the small procedure to work, so the options are limited, a more in depth surgery or wait it out. Since it was such a roller coaster of tight/not tight, the doctor said we should wait. Today...Dr said he needs surgery. I'm a mess. Not that it's doing Matthew any good, but I'm beating myself up over this because I knew. Four years ago I knew. I FUCKING KNEW!

So now my poor baby probably has to have surgery and it's all my fault. I could have done something about this when he was a baby and I didn't. I can't help but hate myself for this fuck up. But I've got to pull myself together and do some research so I can make damned sure I don't fuck it up again. For Matthew. Because I love that little guy more than life itself and he's worth it. Whatever I have to do now to insure the best for him, I will do.

another boring update

Sunday I ran about 16.5 miles...I needed to fit in my training run & David & I had signed up for a 5k, so I left home early for the 5k and ran around a bit before, then ran from our house downtown to the start area. I met up with David & the children there, where I helped get them in the bike trailer that converts to a stroller and he headed for the start line. He needed to finish faster than I did, so I had to push the children. It was super cold at the start - I think because I was sweaty from my 13+ mile run and then I stopped to deal with gear changes before the 5k. As I approached the start line I heard the race announcer say that everyone had started. I had not! LOL As I ran across he said "Oh here comes a woman with 2 small children." I was the LAST person to start! Thank goodness I wasn't also last to finish! :) The race was a lot of fun, but if you've ever run a race before & you know how it is to weave around people because they are running slower than you or worse, walking 4-5 side by side...imagine doing it with one of the bike trailers that converts to a stroller...so you have a wheel way out in front. Plus people just kept cutting in front of me...I tried to watch out so as not to hurt someone's ankles but I finally decided if it was due to THEM cutting in front of me without looking over their shoulder...I wasn't going to worry about it!

After the race we came home to watch basketball instead of sticking around for the parade. What can I say, I was cold & we like to watch our team! Scarlett told me on the way home that she didn't have fun because she didn't want me to push her, she wanted to run! Love it!

I'm a little less than 9 weeks away from the marathon and I feel ready. Sometimes it still overwhelms me to think about that distance, but I know I'm on track with my training and I know I'll cross that finish line. I'm trying to keep any time goals out of my head but it is hard not to think about how fast I'd *like* to be.

Tomorrow David will officially interview for another position at his company. It would be an international relocation assignment, with us moving away for 3 years, then most likely being assigned back here. I have mixed feelings about it but overall I think it's too good of an opportunity to pass it up, if he gets the offer. Before we had children I would have JUMPED at the chance, with them in the picture it changes things, but I still think it's a great idea.

I got LOADS of yummy yarn in the mail yesterday, including the yarn I bought to knit myself a sweater. This is definitely the biggest project I've taken on, and I probably still won't get started on it for a while, but it's nice to know I have the yarn when I decide I am ready!

most boring blogger ever

That's me. I don't feel like there's much to report, unless you want to hear more about running or weight loss. I ran my longest run ever of 15.15 miles Sunday. It felt great. I was surprised by how much more energy I had at the end of it than at the end of my half marathon last fall. I think I'm learning better how to properly fuel for those runs so I should be well prepared for the marathon in May.

A few weeks ago we went by a friend's house and as we started home I noticed the trip thingy on our car was at 277.2. Totally random but the fact that I noticed it then made me aware of it all the way home. When we got home it was at 300.4. It hit me that it seems like a gosh darn long way to her house, and I'm planning to run even farther than that. OHMIGOSH! It's times like that panic sets in & I think I'm absolutely cuh-razy for even attempting a marathon. Eeeek! But I'll be ok. I will do it!

Weight loss-eh. It's coming off, slowly but surely. I'm still higher than I was at my lowest, but I feel pretty damn healthy, so I'm not worrying about it. I'll lose this last ~20 lbs sooner or later.

Matthew & Scarlett...they are devils sometimes & angels other times. I have to work on patience. Matthew is giving up his nap and that stresses me out. I love them tons, but it's freaking HARD being home all day every day with them without a freaking break. Don't get me wrong, they entertain themselves well, but they also fight & fuss, so I have to be aware all the time. I really love naps (for them) because they give me a little downtime in the middle of the day so I'm recharged for the late afternoon & evenings. Don't know what to do now that I'm not getting that time.

The other day we were playing & I asked Matthew his name. He replied "Matthew David Lastname." A few minutes later I asked Scarlett hers. She said "Scarlett David Lastname." That girl cracks me up.

One last running tidbit...I should know in ~1 week if I got an entry in the NYC Marathon or not. How awesome would that be?!?! Hopefully I'll even know by then if we're moving or not too! :)

sigh

I need to get a grip & figure out what the heck is my problem. There is nothing I have a right to complain about...I have 2 beautiful, almost-perfect children, a wonderful husband, great family & friends...so what's the problem? Answer: I just don't know. I do think I'm tired. Maybe that's all. I'm tired because by the time I get my exercise in & David gets his exercise in, it's late then we sit down for some time together, watch a little tv, I get sucked into my knitting projects & I stay awake until 2am. The Olympics did not help and I thought I'd go to bed earlier once they were over but I haven't so far. Children wake up around 7, so that's not a lot of sleep. Factor in that I'm a 9 hours sort of sleeper, and I'm barely getting half what my body needs.

Running has been an outlet, but it isn't giving me what I need right now. It does make me feel better but it's not enough anymore. Things just aren't what they should be and I need to fix it. I'm gonna try to get more sleep and see if that helps. It can't hurt, right?