this parenting thing

Well, it's hard. That about sums it up. I am so discouraged. No matter how much you try to do the right thing for your children, sometimes it just doesn't work out. I sit here beating myself up over things that I really can't control, my head is telling me I did the best I could but my heart is telling me I should have listened just a little more to that nagging voice, you know, mother's intuition. So my mothering assvice will now be, ALWAYS listen to your gut...no matter how many people tell you it's ok, if you don't truly deep down believe it, don't take that as the answer. Because it's not us as mothers who pay the price, it's our precious children.

This is all about Matthew's feet. He was born with bilateral clubfoot. We researched treatment options, our pediatrician recommended a doctor, we saw that doctor, he used the treatment option we thought sounded best from our research. Super. The first phase of treatment is casting, which is usually followed by a small surgical procedure. Usually. Except in Matthew's case the doctor said it wasn't needed. What a relief. Except I kept thinking "what are the chances he doesn't need it? Small. Less then 10% of children with clubfoot don't need this." I sent pictures of his feet to the leading expert, the guy who developed the procedure. From the pictures, the feet looked corrected. Great. But something still nagged at me. When our first doctor started breaking from protocol with the bracing schedule we decided to change doctors. We found another one, one who was "approved" by the master. We went there, he thought Matthew's heels were a little tight but ok, and told us to keep wearing the brace. The "little tight" nagged at me. But I have to trust the doctors, right? And 3 of them are saying it is ok. But Matthew isn't their child. He's mine. Ultimately I am the one responsible for making sure everything is ok.

A new doctor moved to Detroit who was also approved by the master, so we decided to change again and use him, just to save on the long drive to the first approved doctor. Every visit it was a different story...one time everything looked great, the next time he was concerned about tightness. Rinse & repeat. Unfortunately by this time Matthew was too old for the small procedure to work, so the options are limited, a more in depth surgery or wait it out. Since it was such a roller coaster of tight/not tight, the doctor said we should wait. Today...Dr said he needs surgery. I'm a mess. Not that it's doing Matthew any good, but I'm beating myself up over this because I knew. Four years ago I knew. I FUCKING KNEW!

So now my poor baby probably has to have surgery and it's all my fault. I could have done something about this when he was a baby and I didn't. I can't help but hate myself for this fuck up. But I've got to pull myself together and do some research so I can make damned sure I don't fuck it up again. For Matthew. Because I love that little guy more than life itself and he's worth it. Whatever I have to do now to insure the best for him, I will do.