Yes Beth that would be you. I figure your comment deserves a separate post, not just a reply to your comment.
I am thankful for the things I have, and the people I have in my life. I realize how blessed I am to have them. I think there are things in my life I've worked damn hard for, and that hard work should be rewarded so some of the stuff I actually *do* deserve. But the other stuff not so much. And you make a great point about people struggling, and you know I don't think that is true. Except in some cases I do. There are times I can't feel bad for someone because I think they put themselves in the situation. Sigh. That's a whole 'nother can o' worms.
Anyway, to expand on my original post...I have awesome children. I'm not the only one that thinks that. While I think that some days I'm a good mom, most days I feel like a bad mom. I don't know what to do to be a better mom, and that makes me sad. And it's not like I had a bad mom growing up...I had a GREAT mom. Unfortunately I don't remember my toddler years enough to know what she did then to be a great mom and the things she did when I was older that I do remember aren't really applicable for a 2 & 3 year old. I've been thinking it's really a disservice to my kids that I'm a stay at home mom, and that makes me sad.
I've been having to fight myself lately to not overreact to little things they do. It's like the smallest thing makes me really angry, and I don't want to be angry mom. If I turn into angry mom I'm thinking my kids won't be so awesome anymore. But how do I NOT become angry mom? Writing this it sounds so stupid...what is there to be angry about? It's really stupid stuff, like when I ask Matthew right before lunch if he needs to potty & he says no but then after he sits at the table for 2 minutes he needs to potty. And when I ask them what they want for lunch & they ask for different things and I actually make them different things (which is not normal...usually I make them decide on one thing, or I'll say we'll have A today & B tomorrow), and then one of them pitches a fit about the thing they ASKED for. Yeah, those things make me insane. It seems all the issues revolve around mealtime, or either just general whining. I can't stand whining. I can handle crying or screaming, hell I can even handle tantrums, but whining is worse than nails on a chalkboard. I try leaving the room, but then when I return & the whining continues I get mad. I don't know what to do.
I definitely feel like my kids deserve better than what I'm giving them, which makes me think I don't deserve them, or at least I don't deserve them being so wonderful. I need to find a way to change my reactions so I can think even if I don't fully deserve them, I at least don't think I don't, KWIM?
Now I'm rambling. Sorry. I just need to get it out, and even this doesn't feel like I'm totally getting it out. I can't put it into words. I don't know how. I think I'm trying to say I feel like a rotten mom. While I'll never be June Cleaver (is that even the right name?) I'd at least like to be good at this. It's the most important job I've ever had.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
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2 comments:
I think in *most* (not all, but most) cases, how "good" the kids are is a direct reflection of how "good" the parents are.
You have respectful, caring, compassionate, fun loving little people that you're teaching to be contributing members of society.
My gut says that part of being a good parent is the desire to be better... I think that's part of being good at anything. Getting too comfortable is any role allows you the luxury of falling into a rut, and I don't think parenting should be a rut-worthy role.
And - um - you're HUMAN. You're allowed to have weaknesses. So what if whining frustrates the ever loving shit out of you! Your kids will learn that, and either avoid it, or use it to push the boundaries!
We all feel that way. I have three boys and they are all night and day. My oldest, Coltan, is 14 and he is going through that phase where he knows everything, has a little mouth on him and can't be caught dead next to his mom.
Cody, he is pretty easy going most of the time and can care less who sees him giving me a hug.
Then there is Carson. He is a very active 3 year old with a temper like his dad. But he is also a very lovable baby who envies his mom.
I have lost my patients with all three from time to time and it is okay. Just know that if you feel bad, apologize and talk it out with them later.
Keep your chin up, you are not going through anything that any other parent does. Because you are questioning this, that alone makes you an awesome mom!
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