where should I start?

I started this yesterday but just couldn't finish it. I felt worse and worse the more I typed. I was really doubting myself and thought typing it out would make me feel better but somehow it made it worse. I talked to a friend about it, she reassured me that this is totally normal. I also posted on a message board I'm a part of & the girls there reassured me too...so thanks ladies - you know who you are! Anyway, here are my thoughts from yesterday. If there happens to be someone reading this that is going through this too, maybe it will be some consolation that you're not alone.

I am not sure if I can do this. Matthew has been such a rotten tail this morning...he's always been such a sweet & loving child, but lately he's seemed like a whiney irritating little twerp. I am a horrible mother for writing such things about my own flesh & blood, but I have to put it somewhere. I still love him more than life itself, but I want my sweetheart back! What happened to him? Is this my fault for having Scarlett when he was so young? Have I increased my expectations beyond what is fair since she is the baby now? Is it just the age? Maybe I am not good with two year olds? I know that a lot of it is that I'm tired and I just need some good rest so that I can be a better mommy, but that's not all of it.

Yesterday I met a friend for lunch and honestly don't feel like I had any coherent thoughts to add to the conversation. I am not sure I can carry on an adult conversation anymore! :( I don't know where my brain was. I can only hope that she understands. She is so great with my kids, yesterday she had such patience with Matthew when he almost threw a tantrum about where to sit. Then when we were ready to leave she got his coat on him without a hint of a fight. I wish I had her patience with him.

Up until recently Matthew has been very loving towards Scarlett, but now that she is so mobile, I think it's driving him crazy. He doesn't mind sharing toys, as long as he can decide what she plays with. He doesn't like that she can crawl to anything & play with it, so he takes things away and pushes her. Still, sometimes I really need to leave the room...so I pray for the best. The other night I went into the kitchen & suddenly Scarlett was screaming. I came back in the family room & asked Matthew what happened to her - he said "I push her" and motioned his arms showing me how he pushed. Oh the honesty! He hasn't hurt her yet, but now I realize I really shouldn't leave them alone together, and that makes my days a lot harder.