I've lurked on a lot of Works for Me Wednesday posts, but this is the first time I'm posting. Today is a backwards day, which means I get to ask for your help.
One of my goals for the early part of this year is to find a church home for our family. We tried visiting several churches in our area soon after Matthew was born but ended up making excuses and didn't follow through. Although I have to say we didn't feel "at home" at any of the ones we visited. Now with an infant and a toddler I am sure visiting will be even harder, but lately I've been feeling very strongly that we NEED to be in church. This is the first time in my life that I haven't been part of a church family and frankly I miss it. I need it. My family needs it.
So if anyone has advice about how to find a new church home, I would love to hear it. How many visits does it take to know it's a good fit?
For those of you who want to help others, head over to Rocks in My Dryer to see who else needs your help.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
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We tried out too many churches to count before settling on our current church. First of all, we were going to churches similar to the ones I grew up in and not branching out. The one we ended up with was a lot more contemporary and non-denominational. Secondly, I talked to everyone I knew. Asked where they went, what did they like about it? I had seen the commercials for our church and thought it wouldn't be right for us until my coworker told me she went there. She invited me to a small coffee group with some women from the church so I could meet them on a more one on one basis. When I decided liked them I convinced my husband to come with me to check out the church. We were hooked the first time we went. Keep trying. It took us a year on and off to find our church.
I recommend the book Spiritual Disciplines within the Church by Don Whitney
It has a whole section of what you should look for in a search and questions you should ask when researching a church.
Wow. I'm so glad this is a desire for you. Especially with your son, so that you can raise him in the Lord. I'm not sure I really have any advice because I don't know your background and preferences. I guess I would just really encourage you to pray that God will take you to a church that is strong in following the Bible and encouraging you to live for the King. God bless your search!
We have lived in 6 states since getting married, and now have 5 children. So, we have had a few experiences w/ finding a new church home.
I would encourage you to try one place for one month. Go at different times of the week so you can see how the crowd changes.
Also, since you have children it's a good idea to stay w/ them in the nursery. This way you meet other moms and can casually get your questions answered.
One of the first things we do to get involved and decide if this is the place for us is to join some sort of small group; either Sunday school or a home group.
Also, I usally attend the women's scrapbooking event to get acquainted w/ others. If you don't scrapbook there's probably a moms playgroup you can hook up with.
Above all, defer to your husband to help make the decision. If he's not on board, it'll be difficult to follow through.
First of all, let me say that when I read your WFMW request, I felt compelled to share with you what has worked with us before. Also, my time is limited, so I haven't visited your blog and I know nothing about you or your life except what you said in the WFMW post so I am trying to keep this as general as possible.
I'm so glad you are missing church. I know the desire to attend is a gift from God and He has a special place in a congregation for you and your family.
When my husband and I have been looking for a church we usually visit the Sunday morning worship service first. If we enjoy it and what we hear seems to fit in with what we believe (we're very conservative), we return on Sunday evening. If we are still interested, we may visit a mid-week service, if there is one. We usually don't attend Sunday school or mid-week, unless we are sure that we are seriously considering joining this church. I don't think we need to be there just because the doors are open.
The last time we were looking for a church we were blessed to visit a church whose pastor wasn't competitive. We enjoyed his sermon and the service very much, but we didn't think that was the place for us. We told him we were looking for something that had a variety of music (contemporary and traditional), and one that was using small groups, etc. . . . and he referred us to our current church! If you have a denominational preference, perhaps you can contact a local or regional office and describe what you are looking for and they can let you know which churches offer the type of service or music, or whatever that you are looking for.
Also, when we are in the right place, we both know it. It is confirmed to us by God independently. We usually "just know" like you "just knew" your sweetheart was "the one!"
I would say be careful of choosing a church based on the programs that they offer. Programs or activities may not be bad in themselves, but we can so easily get caught in the trap of participating in everything and becoming so exhaused with church that we cannot even worship there. If you and your family are able to worship corporately and the church helps you worship as a family and enhances your family life, that is what will make the difference in the long run. If it is good for you, then it will be good for your kids, because you will be transferring your learning and your love of the local body to your kids.
I'll pray for you that God will lead you to the specific congregation where you belong very soon.
In Him,
Melinda
I am lutheran, so when I moved I went through the phone book and made a list of all the lutheran churches. I visited one each sunday and the ones that I liked I visited again until I made a decision.
I really know how you feel about "feeling at home." The feeling is what I often go on and what I went on- when I was looking for a new church.
good luck!
Well we searched forever for a church. Justin didn't like big churches (felt like you never saw the same person twice) and I thought it was harder for the boys in a smaller church (doesn't have as many programs for kids). It takes Justin about a month to see if he likes a church or not (and if he can stay awake thru the sermon). It takes me one time. Kind of like you, if it doesnt feel right we switch. I also check out to make sure there are ways for us to get involved and for the boys to get involved and to make sure I feel like they are well taken care of in the nursery. In the end we are going to a big church. Justin decided it was more important for us to just got to one consistently, even if it isn't our ideal church. Good luck, I know the process can be a tough one and sometimes even stressful. It always easy to make excuses not to do it too, so good job for wanting to find one!
First thing - make a list of qualities/beliefs that you want your new church to hold to.
Break down that list by issues you are willing to compromise on or not compromise on.
Do a little research on-line to see what major (and minor!) denominations believe. You don't want to waste time on a church you don't agree with theologically.
Once you have that information settled - search the phone book or do an on-line search for your denomination...you can often do an on-line search like to find those type in your neighborhood.
THEN (yes a bunch of steps)
Once you have found some churches in your area - see if they have a website (great time saver in finding out critical information about the church) or a number where you can contact someone in the church for information (they sometimes have pamphlets/info on their beliefs and about their churches they can mail out.
If you do all this ahead of time - it will save you a lot of time when it comes down to actually visiting the churches - which can be difficult with young children.
It took us quite a long time to determine whether or not this was the right church for us. Sometimes you know right away b/c of some big conflict in beliefs - but hopefully those ones have been ruled out by doing the above first.
Make sure you attend each of the services (some will have traditional in the morning and some contemporary in the evening)...and have a talk with the pastor.
well i don't know what religion you are or where you are at but i know there will be a LDS church near you...even if it's not what you're looking for it would be neat to try it for one Sunday. plus there are usually lots of kids so you'd fit right in.
http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/
I love that you are listening to the Holy Spirit's nudging!
My husband is a pastor and we've actually been members of churches that I might not have selected for myself, so here are some thoughts that I might offer...
Look past the glitz- Don't be swooned by all they offer. The church's beliefs need to be first and foremost on your research questions. Sound Doctrine is what you want for your family. You can find a supper club or mommy's group somewhere else. (Though, I will admit that it would be awesome if you could do all that stuff within your church family.)
Time and distance: For a while we worked at and attended a church that really was too far from our home. And by "too far" I just mean just far enough away to be inconvienent. When you are running late with your babies every second counts!! This applies to worship times as well. An 8 o'clock service sounds do-able on a Saturday night, but come Sunday morning at 6:30...
And my last tip... when you find the church God has picked out for you, get involved. (I didn't say over involved.) Many, many, ok, most people are wonderful when you get to know them, but they are busy people with thier own insecurities. A few might come out to meet and greet, but you really have to take the iniative and get out there!
I pray that God blesses you along this journey. Continue to ask for His wisdom as you search.
There is no magic number or formula for visiting a church. Have an idea of what you are looking for before you attend. Not necessarily in terms of what programs does the church offer but rather what do you need to agree on with the church's statement of faith.
Look at church websites (use listings like flockfinder.com). The website may have a sermon podcast that you can listen to.
Visit more than once unless it is very clear after the first time that the church is not for you. I don't think it is healthy to flop around for a year. You will never feel connected. Just like there is no perfect man, there is no perfect church. All churches have flaws. Also, I 100% agree with the posts here that encourage you to visit a small group to get to know some people individually. Ask questions.
Be consistent about going to church and keep it a priority. Even the "best church" in the world will do you no good if you don't attend.
Finally, if you feel that the church is a good fit but you just aren't feeling connected, don't wait for others, find a place to serve! Ask questions and ask for help. Years ago my husband and I were attending the sunday service but not feeling connected. We realized that we needed to make the first step and go to where the people our age were. We started attending the appropriate sunday school/small group and made some of our best lasting riendships from that group.
Dropping by via Google search.
Can I hit you with another thought? Why not join the church nearest to your home? Their doctrine will be different from yours, but if they preach the Lord Jesus crucified and resurrected, wholly God and wholly man, then why let a little doctrine stand in your way?
If you join the church nearest to you, you'll be able to bond with the people you meet, have coffee, share babysitting, and watch football games together much more easily. And all that will make the sharing, prayer, and learning that much more meaningful. And besides, having slightly different doctrines and habits will be a good experience in diversity for you and the church you bless.
In the end, we go to church to give, not to receive, and it's easiest to give to people just down the street from you.
Hope you don't mind me barging in, and I pray you are blessed with and bless a great church family.
I'm LDS and must say that walking into an LDS church you get the most wonderful welcoming feeling ever. It's WONDERFUL for children. My husband went for the first time ever the first Sunday of December and loved it and he grew up Catholic. He said he's never felt more welcomed anywhere as he had there.
No matter what you choose I wish you the best of luck - once you find a good church it's the best thing.
We looked for a long time for our church. We also switched denominations entirely and it was difficult because of what my husband was used to. Someone told me to spend at least 3 Sundays at a church. Sometimes you could get there and not be hearing the main pastor speak or he could be having an "off day", not feeling well, etc. I would also suggest visiting a small group to see if you could connect on a more intimate level with folks. And yes, have your kids try out the children's area. If they are happy, chances are,you will be too. My kids will not let us miss a Sunday because they love their church so much.
Don't discount a large church at first. Ours is huge, but by becoming involved we have made it feel smaller.
Blessings to you and your family in this search. It can be challenging.
Wow - I am just overwhelmed by all your comments. We have already visited the churches of our denomination and haven't felt like any were a good fit, so we definitely will be branching out into others. I will be putting a lot of your advice into action! I really appreciate the prayers that you have offered in our search.
Codepoke - I think you have an interesting theory, but I disagree that we go to church to give not to receive. I think it is a two way street. I can find many other avenues of giving, what I am missing is the general fellowship & learning that I still need to do to continue to grow as a Christian. But now you have me thinking...maybe the reason we've struggled to find a church home is that our motives aren't quite right?
> I think it is a two way street.
True enough. I stand corrected.
> what I am missing is the general fellowship & learning that I still need to do to continue to grow as a Christian.
Amen. Aren't we all. :-)
Lord bless your search.
There are some very good comments already here about how to find the church for you. As a minister's daughter and one who has bounced around to several churches as an adult to find the one that would work best for my family and me, here is a little bit more advice.
If you have narrowed down the church you think you would like to join, set up an appointment for you and your husband with the minister. In the appointment, tell him you are about to join and ask him where he thinks you are most needed and/or would fit best in the church. You will probably want to be involved in more than Sunday Morning Service so that you can get to know people and feel connected. The minsiter should be able to help you find a place where you can be connected.
My husband and I did this when we joined the church where we are now members. As a direct result of this meeting, my husband has served on the Finance Committee and I have served on Long Range Visioning. We are serving in different areas now but this is how we became involved in the church more than just members of the church.
Additionally, this will help you establish a personal relationship with the minister. You will feel much more comfortable about calling him if you need something later because of that relationship.
I really liked Edi's advice. She took the comment right out of my mouth!
Basically: Know your deal breakers going in, but try to only have a few biggies so you are open to a church you might not have noticed previously.
When you have kids, it really changes the church-search experience, doesn't it? I would stay forever at my current church (Imago Dei in Portland) but the kids/moms communities are just not working for me (in terms of expense, schedule and distance from our house), plus we are moving 45 minutes away. Pre-kid we would have just sucked it up and done the drive. Pre-kid I wouldn't have looked at the availability or absence of childcare as a theological decision on the part of church leadership, but now I believe it really is.
I would go further and say that you might consider the church's attitude toward young families when compiling your deal-breakers. By that I mean, what groups do you want available for your kids socially, how important is the availability of small groups that make provisions for your kids so you can have some adult time, etc. Basically, does the church value that early parent-hood time, possibly one of the "neediest" times in a person's life, when you may need some extra help? Before kids I would have thought that stuff was just icing, but if you can't be involved in some of these basic forms of fellowship it can be terribly isolating within even an active church. Outside groups like MOPs and such can only go so far, and again- that's not building your community within a group, if that is what you'd like.
Awesome question- it's right where I am, so I enjoyed reading everyone's helpful comments! I love WFMW.
I'm interested to see what will happen with your search. I saw that you are starting to visit some churches and see what is right.
did you have a chance to check out the LDS website
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/
maybe look at some of the beliefs? Not only should a search for a church be about finding where you belong, but also about what church is the true church that has all the pieces....you should definitely attend a sacrament meeting and see what kind of feeling you get.
Hi! I'm coming into this discussion late. I came to comment on the current WFMW but saw this. After a recent and painful church problem, in which my husband and I and the kids left a church, I would say to definitely know going in what is important to you. Definitely meet with the pastor. Get ahold of the church's doctrinal statement. We didn't take these issues seriously, and after over three years in this church, determined to stick it out, we just couldn't. We're not church hoppers and had never experienced anything like this. And I think it could have all been avoided had we been more inquisitive up front about the pastor's stand on certain issues that are not negotiable for us. God bless you in your search!
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