And a ME update

We have not finalized our budget (aren't they always a work in progress anyway?), but we have decided that I will not look for another job - I will "just" stay at home with Matthew and Scarlett. To be honest, the idea of being a stay at home mom (SAHM) terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. Matthew has done great at daycare - I am worried about what he will lose by me taking him out. That was actually the big sticking point for me - I did not want him to stop going. Unfortunately, the job market here sucks, and both David and I feel strongly that we don't want me working full time. It seems that there are no part time jobs out there that pay close to what daycare would cost. So our choice came down to me looking for a full time job or taking them out of daycare. We flipped a coin.

Ok, kidding about the coin toss, but there wasn't much to the decision process. We are pretty sure we can afford it, but we haven't been great about tracking our spending lately so it's hard to know where all our money was going. A lot of it was spent on dinners out (or at least delivery) and that will be cut out. We will keep our Friday night pizza though.

I am nervous about 'teaching' the children what they need to learn to stay on target developmentally. I want them to be ready for school or pre-school...whatever we decide. I also worry about losing my identity in them. So much of who I am is already wrapped up in them. Even though once I fell in love with David ALL I wanted was to be his wife and the mother to his children, I don't want to be "just" a wife & mother...I need to be me too. This is an area I already needed to work on, because I know so much of me is consumed by being the wife and mother. I also know that I will have to work to be a good wife. I don't want the children to rule our marriage.

I am planning to find some playgroups to "check out" to try to meet some other moms and children in our area. It is sad that we've lived here 2.5 years and have no friends. I am nervous about having to make friends, but I know that if I don't then I will be miserable. I haven't had to make new friends in a long long time. Especially "real life" friends....that really scares me. I know how important it is for my children to have social interaction with other children, so I have to put that aside and do it.

So, in summary:
1. I'm scared I won't be good at teaching them the things they need to know.
2. I'm scared I will lose myself in being a mom and the impact that would have on my marriage and my general happiness.
3. I'm scared I will have a hard time finding places for them to interact with other children.
4. I'm worried I will have a hard time making friends so when I do find places for them to interact, I'll be the mom that everyone wants to vote off the island.
5. I'm worried about the financial impact and peace of mind.
6. I'm excited about the world of opportunities that this opens up for me and the children.
7. I'm happy to know that I won't "miss out" on any more milestones.
8. I'm blessed to have a husband that encourages and supports this decision - we both know it might not be the right choice, but the only way we will know is to give it a shot.

Also...we didn't visit a new church this Sunday. The children were still kind of sick and it was 5 degrees plus some wind. I didn't want to get them out.