I run versus I'm a runner?

I knit.  I call myself a knitter.  From the day I started my first project (not just practice swatches), I called myself a knitter.  I *still* refer to myself as a new knitter but a knitter none the less.   I do not call myself a runner though.  I've never run more than 10k at once (those were several years ago) but even when I was running then I did not call myself a runner.  I would say "I run" or "I went for a run" but never "I'm a runner."  I'm on a forum of running moms and they recently had a "you know you're a real runner when..." post and I can check off things on there, but I'm still not a runner.  I guess it's in my head.   I've been "running" again for 2.5 months, with a break because of vacation/death in the family/injury, so I've been really running for maybe 1.5 months of that time.  I can run 3-4 miles at a time but at a snail's pace.  I can run 0.5-1 mile at a time faster, then walk, and alternate doing that.    I'm not sure I have a point, I'm just pondering.  I would like to be a runner, would love to call myself a runner, but I can't.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.  Why is it that I've completed some races (although again it was years ago), and I don't feel comfortable calling myself a runner, but before I even completed a knit project I felt comfortable calling myself a knitter?

itchy scratchy

I put on old t-shirt this morning.  It's at least 12 years old and I've worn it pretty regularly.  Not so much it's ratty but it's well loved enough that I only wear it at home.  Today though the tag is driving me cuh-razy!  Where did my soft cozy t-shirt go and when did it get replaced with this itchy scratchy tag one?

No, I just made that up

I had some books on hold at the library and got a call last week they were ready to pick up.  So Friday I decided we'd walk to the library to pick them up.  I load the kids in the bike trailer/stroller and we walked down there.  Unfortunately there was a note on the door that the library wouldn't open until later than normal that day.  We did our other errands, came home, had lunch, and took naps.  The kids napped later than normal and it was 5:00 before they woke up.  The library closes at 5:30 but that was plenty of time for us to walk back down there.  I loaded them up again and we headed that way.  About a third of the way there it started sprinkling.  Looking at the sky I knew it was going to come harder but I thought we had time.  HA! I didn't get half way and it was pouring down.  I decided since the sky was so dark I should run home instead of continuing on.  I didn't take the time to put the cover on the trailer because I was afraid we wouldn't make it to the library in time and what's a little rainwater on us anyway.  We ran home and loaded up in the car to drive to the library.    When we got inside at the library I decided to see if they had any movies I wanted.  While I was looking I overheard a man say to another man "well at least it isn't raining yet."  I was standing between the two of them and I smiled and said "yes, actually it is."  The second man then noticed how wet Matthew was and said "oh yeah, he's soaked."  I said "yeah we walking here when it started raining."  They comment to each other on how the library is so quiet they couldn't even hear the rain.    First guy leaves.  I don't get a movie, go to desk and get my books.  As the elevator arrives for us to leave, first guy steps off and says "You're right.  It is raining out there."  It made me wonder, did he think I made it up?  Did he think I drenched myself & the kids just for fun?  Maybe ran through a sprinkler or four on our walk?

Matthew's ortho check up

Matthew had an ortho check up yesterday.  He got a good report from the doctor, who always mentions how flat feet are a "side effect" of club foot treatment.  He seems to forget that flat feet run in David's family, so even if Matthew hadn't been treated for club foot he'd probably have flat feet.  The club foot just kind of sealed it.    Anyway, at our last checkup the doc told us we could stop the bracewear, but the latest studies show that there's a 10-15% chance of relapse in the 4th year of bracewear, and that drops to 6% in the 5th year.  Of course there's no way to predict what children might relapse and which ones won't (if there was then some children might never need the brace), so we're not willing to take any unnecessary chances with Matthew.  He tolerates the shoes very well and until/unless he starts to fight us, I see no reason to stop using them.    At this appointment the doctor didn't even discourage our continued use.  He even wrote us a script for a new pair of shoes since Matthew has outgrown the current pair.

Thank you oh wise one

Yes Beth that would be you. I figure your comment deserves a separate post, not just a reply to your comment.

I am thankful for the things I have, and the people I have in my life. I realize how blessed I am to have them. I think there are things in my life I've worked damn hard for, and that hard work should be rewarded so some of the stuff I actually *do* deserve. But the other stuff not so much. And you make a great point about people struggling, and you know I don't think that is true. Except in some cases I do. There are times I can't feel bad for someone because I think they put themselves in the situation. Sigh. That's a whole 'nother can o' worms.

Anyway, to expand on my original post...I have awesome children. I'm not the only one that thinks that. While I think that some days I'm a good mom, most days I feel like a bad mom. I don't know what to do to be a better mom, and that makes me sad. And it's not like I had a bad mom growing up...I had a GREAT mom. Unfortunately I don't remember my toddler years enough to know what she did then to be a great mom and the things she did when I was older that I do remember aren't really applicable for a 2 & 3 year old. I've been thinking it's really a disservice to my kids that I'm a stay at home mom, and that makes me sad.

I've been having to fight myself lately to not overreact to little things they do. It's like the smallest thing makes me really angry, and I don't want to be angry mom. If I turn into angry mom I'm thinking my kids won't be so awesome anymore. But how do I NOT become angry mom? Writing this it sounds so stupid...what is there to be angry about? It's really stupid stuff, like when I ask Matthew right before lunch if he needs to potty & he says no but then after he sits at the table for 2 minutes he needs to potty. And when I ask them what they want for lunch & they ask for different things and I actually make them different things (which is not normal...usually I make them decide on one thing, or I'll say we'll have A today & B tomorrow), and then one of them pitches a fit about the thing they ASKED for. Yeah, those things make me insane. It seems all the issues revolve around mealtime, or either just general whining. I can't stand whining. I can handle crying or screaming, hell I can even handle tantrums, but whining is worse than nails on a chalkboard. I try leaving the room, but then when I return & the whining continues I get mad. I don't know what to do.

I definitely feel like my kids deserve better than what I'm giving them, which makes me think I don't deserve them, or at least I don't deserve them being so wonderful. I need to find a way to change my reactions so I can think even if I don't fully deserve them, I at least don't think I don't, KWIM?

Now I'm rambling. Sorry. I just need to get it out, and even this doesn't feel like I'm totally getting it out. I can't put it into words. I don't know how. I think I'm trying to say I feel like a rotten mom. While I'll never be June Cleaver (is that even the right name?) I'd at least like to be good at this. It's the most important job I've ever had.

am i the only one?

Sometimes I just feel completely unworthy.  I have so many good things in my life and I often wonder why.  I don't think I deserve any of it.  Am I the only one out there that thinks these things?

seriously?

Otherwise known as the post where I write about my father-in-law. Um yeah, this weekend he's visiting and I've been full of "seriously?" moments ever since he got here.

Friday he arrived mid-afternoon while the kids were napping and David was at work. While we tried to make small talk before the kids woke up he told me we need to make Matthew tough. He says David was never bullied because he was one of the bigger boys in his class, but that "these days if they aren't the bully they are the bullied." So he wants us to make Matthew a bully. Seriously?

That morning I'd picked up steaks to grill, figuring I'd bake some potatoes and either cook some spinach I had or throw together a salad (still with the spinach). I'm sure I've eaten those bagged salads at his house that included spinach, and he's grilled steak when we've visited him, so I figure that's a pretty safe meal. When David gets home & mentions steak, FIL tells us "well I don't eat much meat. Didn't you know that?" WTF? Then "I guess I'm kind of a vegetarian." (until he visits my house where I don't mind eating animals, and if you don't, well then you need to let me know in advance!) Then David says "well we're having potatoes and spinach too." "I don't like spinach."

I decided to make salad instead of creamed spinach since I had a variety of lettuce too. I put the spinach in one bowl & mixed the lettuce in another. He did eat the lettuce. But again, I know we've had spinach at his house before. And steaks, but who am I to say he's not a "new" vegetarian? ::eyeroll::

Saturday was ok...he & David went to the Woodward Dream Cruise with the kids while I went to the gym, showered, got my hair cut (which is a whole 'nother post), and got a pedicure. Then I went to a friend's wedding. I met her online when we were both pregnant together, we became friends, and have kept in touch since. She happened to be from a nearby town and although she lives in Florida now, she got married here. That was kinda cool. It was also kinda cool that FIL was here to babysit for the wedding/reception, right? He's the only one of our parents who has never watched the kids for us. Not that I mind that and I certainly don't expect them to babysit, but it sure is nice when they offer. So he babysat Saturday night. We've never had a sitter call us when we were out, NEVER. In the middle of dinner, David's phone rings. "Uh-oh" and he slips out. So anyway, his dad called because Matthew was not listening & cooperating getting ready for bed.

OF COURSE MATTHEW WASN'T LISTENING & COOPERATING GETTING READY FOR BED!!! You're NOT his parent & he's going to TEST you! But to call David over that? Really?

Turns out, he called 2 more times while we were at the reception. Seriously?!? This man has 5 children of his own, yet he couldn't get a 3-1/2 year old to bed? And when he couldn't get that child to bed, he didn't have sense enough to put a movie on & just let him fall asleep on the couch? Really? Geeze louise.

Sunday we had tickets for the NASCAR race. We wanted to leave the house by 10, and as we're getting things ready FIL asks what he can do to help. David says "here are Scarlett's shoes & socks, put them on her." Not hard, right? WRONG! I was in the kitchen & I heard:

• FIL: "I can't get them on her. She's not giving me the sock."
  
• David: "what?"
  
• FIL: "she put her sock on her hand and won't give it back."
  
• Me (thinking to self): wtf? she's 2. take it from her.
  
• David: "Well take it from her."
  
• FIL: "I can't."
  
• me (again, thinking to self): Um, you're a man, she's 2, why the hell not?
  
• David: "Just take the sock off her hand. Put it on her foot." (cracks up laughing)

We got to the racetrack & start putting sunscreen on the kids, FIL says he doesn't need any because he already has a tan. (Um yeah, cuz you use bronzer. That's right...I saw it in the bathroom. I know it was his because it wasn't ours. How many 68 year old MEN do you know who use bronzer?) Guess what FIL's first words besides "good morning" were this morning? "I think I got sunburned yesterday." Fucking serves you right. No sympathy here.

He complained yesterday that David walks too fast & he can't keep up with him. I'm a foot shorter than David & don't have a problem keeping up. I know - he's 68 years old, but he also complained about how far they walked Saturday. He told me "we must have walked 20 miles." I understand that people exaggerate to make a point, but David said it was probably 2 miles, and his dad kept insisting it was at least 10. So David mapped it...2.4 miles. Today when I offered him lunch he said he didn't want anything. Then he told me that he doesn't eat much, just a little bit in the mornings & that's it. I told him if he ate more he might be able to keep up with David.

I think he's a vain man who is getting older & afraid he's not attractive anymore. He's trying not to gain weight but instead of doing it in a healthy way he's starving himself. And he uses bronzer. I say this based on a lot more background too, not just these things. I don't have a problem with men using bronzer.


OK, maybe I think it's a tad weird.

fuck

I punched a hole in the jeep top tonight. The top was down & I was putting some shit in the back (why I didn't just put it in the floorboard I'll never know). When I slammed the door a hinge caught on the top and poked right through. Fuck. Replacements aren't cheap. And we live in fucking Michigan where it um, snows, in the winter.

On a good note, I ran 4 miles last night & my hip didn't bother me today. I did another 2 miles today (running, not counting my walking breaks) and it still seems ok. Ibuprofen is my friend. I go for an annual check up with my pcp next week so I do plan to talk to him about it - if nothing else maybe he'll give me a referral to a new sports chiropractor that's opened up shop & she will test me to see if I need some adjustments.

I'm also signing up for a 10k in September. I think I could do it now (running/walking, not pure running), but hopefully by then I'll be able to do it with a decent time. I really wanted to run the half marathon in October but after my hip troubles I am afraid to make that commitment. I'm not sure I have time to train...if the hip hadn't interfered, I could have done it, I'm sure.

Peanut butter & banana sandwiches are yummy. For some reason I've been craving them big time lately. Smear a little pb on each slice of bread, slice up the nanner and put it in the middle, throw a little buttah on the outside and toss it on the skillet. Mmmmmmm. No wonder I'm not losing weight.

Is it a little weird that my relaxation lately comes from knitting & exercise? (Not at the same time of course. I'm not that coordinated!) I think both of those are normally relaxing things, but I tend to think of knitters as older people who don't exercise. I know, such a stereotype, but it's true. And here I am, to relax I go for a run, come home, shower, kiss the kiddos goodnight, and pick up sticks.

tomorrow maybe i'll post about the cute things the kids are up to

What is compassion?

I think most people try to be compassionate when someone they know is going through something rough.  Sometimes it is hard to know how to convey that though.  Case in point - an acquaintance of mine lost her husband 2 weeks ago.  He passed away suddenly at the age of 46.  He hadn't been through any long illness, had any type of injury, no signs of any problems.  This acquaintance is someone who goes to the same boot camp class I go to at the gym.  We are friendly at class but our paths don't cross outside of the gym, and even though we often have social gatherings for the group, she & I have never been at one together.  Another person in the class is good friends with her and they suggested she would need support down the road when the family is gone, etc.  Since she wasn't someone I would call a friend, I did not attend any of the services.  I have not spoken with her.    Then, she showed up at class Saturday in the middle of class.  Towards the end of class we happened to be side by side and a little isolated from the rest of the class.  Normally in that situation I would chit chat with whomever was there but I didn't feel comfortable making idle chatter without giving condolences.  But then I felt strange offering condolences mid-workout because I felt like her coming to class was a way of trying to get back to her day to day activities and find a new normal.  So I'm torn but finally I ask how she is and tell her I'm sorry and that she's been on my mind.  She got really choked up and I found myself apologizing for bringing it up.  She reassured me that it was ok and that it's good to know people care.   I felt terrible, but I really didn't know how to handle being there with her and not having spoken to her earlier.  (Not that it's about how I feel, because I know, it's not.)  So in a situation like this, is is more compassionate to ignore the situation and make idle chit chat, or is it more compassionate to extend the sympathy, even if it's not the best place and time?

long time no update

I guess it's a good thing - there's really not much going on in my life. Take kids to the park/playground, go to the gym, spend time with David, watch some tv, knit, go on bike rides, play on the computer, laundry, dishes, play with the kids, read to the kids, cook, dust, vacuum, sleep...I think that's pretty much my last week.

I got a comment from "the other Kaci" suggesting my shoes might be contributing to my hip pain & I'm afraid she's right. I just can't remember exactly when it started, if it was before or after I started running in my new shoes. I hate thinking I've spent moolah on shoes & now need to spend moolah on more shoes. I'm trying to stick it out, making sure I'm stretching good and planning to add some strength training into my routine, as I've been told that will help. If nothing seems to work, I'm going to the specialty running shop to have them watch me run, check out the wear on my shoes, and recommend a new shoe. They also once or twice a month have a physical therapist come in & work with people on their running, so I'll sign up for that as well.

Other things - good customer service. I bitch about bad service if I get it, so it's only fair to compliment good service. I needed tea tree oil last week so I put the kiddos in the wagon and walked to the local health food store. I didn't think about the doorway to the store & how aggravating it would be to get the wagon in, but someone noticed me coming & held the door open for me which made it easier. There were 2 employees stocking shelves and one of them immediately asked if she could help me. I told her what I needed, she pointed me to the aisle. I found it, compared prices & sizes, and she asked if I found what I was looking for. When I replied "yes thanks" she said let her know if I needed anything else. When I went to check out, I moved the wagon off to the side because there wasn't room for it at the register. While she was running my transaction, she asked me if I would mind if she put some chips in a bag for the kids. I said no and she fixed a bag, I called Matthew over & she gave it to him. She told him that was a reward for being so good in the store and that he should share with his sister.

I really appreciate this kind of service. The health food store is not a store I would want to take the kids - there are a lot of breakables & it's not laid out great for a stroller or wagon. But it's easier for me to go during the day. For her to be so welcoming to me when the kids were with me meant a lot. Much better than the yarn experience I had last year!