Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Friendships and pain

When David & I decided it was time for us to "try" to have a baby, I snooped around the internet and discovered the WebMD message boards, mainly the TTC:JSO board. I lurked for a while, then jumped in and started posting. I met a LOT of wonderful wonderful ladies there, and a pretty large group of us eventually moved on to chatting in Yahoo. That group has dwindled down a bit for various reasons, but there's a group of us that is still there - we chat, we talk on the phone, we try to get together anytime we can. Even though we live far apart and I haven't met all of them, these girls are some of my best friends. I am so blessed to have these girls in my life. More blessed than I can even express.

Of this group, most of us have had babies in the time that we've known each other. Some had children already and have added to their families. Many of us have had more than one baby. Of this group, there are only a few left that haven't had children. One of these is the girl who lives closest to me. She's one of the 12.5% of Americans who suffers from infertility (I'm pretty sure that's the right number, but then again who really knows??). She's been through hell TTC, and my heart aches for her. There have been a lot of "hope this is it" moments, and nada. I can't even imagine the pain she and her hubby must feel, not when I think of how much I hurt when things don't work for her, and I know that what I feel can't possibly compare to what it must do to her.

Through it all, she's been a great friend to me. Supporting me when I wasn't planning to be pregnant and was, watching Matthew when we had Scarlett, watching both kidlets so David & I could have couple time, and let's not forget the time she & her hubby helped us paint our house! She's the best aunt my kids could ask for - the bond between her & Matthew is amazing really.

While friendship isn't about keeping score, I don't feel like I am half the friend to her that she is to me. It's hard, and I try but I feel I come short. I will continue to try, I hope she always knows I'm there for her, even when I don't have the words, I'm there.

The point of my post isn't really about all that, it's just the background. Two weeks ago, this friend lost her father. I went over to visit, planning to only stay a few minutes, but ended up staying longer. I had Matthew & Scarlett with me, and it was an eye-opening experience. I've been around her & her hubby a good bit, but never at their house with my kids. Here I am, I've gone there to offer condolences on the loss of her father, and maybe provide a distraction from the grief, and suddenly I'm overwhelmed with physical hurt because she has been unable to have children. I watch her, her hubby, their dog, and my kiddos, and think what a perfect world it would be, if only that was their world. After I got over the initial hurt, I got pissed off. But it still hurts, and I know the hurt for her must be a million times greater. If I could change it I would. Meanwhile, all I can do is offer my support, friendship, and love. But how?

You know who you are, and I'm so sorry for all the shit life has handed you. You're an amazing woman and I'm sorry life is so unfair. Thanks for being my friend. You've taught me so much. I wish I wish I wish...


BethH6703 said...

no words... just smooshy virtual hugs

My Three Sons said...

Your right,frieds not keep score. This is one time for you to help her and as your friendship continues to grow, there will be more challenges in both of your lives where you can help each other out. That is just life.

Take care

nancy said...

It's just one of those things. The "fertile" won't understand unless you've been there. You know we hurt, but you don't know what can trigger us.

I don't know what happened, but I am sorry you felt hurt by it. Just know that even me when I was ttc#1, bringing children over was HARD, like bite my toungue hard. And I'd cry when they were gone. So if this pain was brought forth to me when I was also dealing with the loss of my father, I may have said/done something that would seem innappropriate to the fertile person too.

nancy said...

Ah. The way it read was as if they did/said something to hurt you, so I was just trying to explain how something a 'fertile' wouldn't think of as being hard could really set off an infertile. I'm glad they didn't hurt you and it was just that you felt their pain. Not that I want you to feel pain, but it's better it wasn't inflicted upon you.