A Glimpse in the Mirror

Yesterday ended up being one of the hard days. I could not get Scarlett to nap in the afternoon, and in turn I got frustrated because there is a small bit of time her nap overlaps Matthew's, and that's when I have a little time for me. Now that time is usually consumed by some kind of housework, but still, it's my time, ya know? So I was frustrated, I finally got Scarlett down, and just then I hear Matthew wake up. The afternoon goes on and eventually I go to the kitchen to cook supper. Matthew wanted to help, so I brought him in the kitchen with me. Our laundry room is off our kitchen and he started playing with dirty socks. I got onto him (after all, do you want someone playing with dirty socks & then cooking your supper?) and we washed his hands. I told him not to play with the socks & shoes and he seemed to understand. Of course, he's 2, so he may understand for a few minutes and then forget, I know that.

So we're off and on, working on supper, playing, and checking on Scarlett - she's playing in the family room. This whole time Matthew & Scarlett are both being kind of fussy. I think they are hungry and tired, but I'm trying to get it done...meanwhile I'm getting more and more frustrated. Then we go in the kitchen to fix our plates and Matthew grabs a pair of shoes & puts them ON my COUNTERTOP! I LOST it! (Those of you who don't know me won't realize I have a big problem with shoes...they touch bathroom floors for crying out loud! Have you ever thought about what all is on the bottom of your shoes?)

So yeah, that's when I lost it. First of all, I already told him not to play with the shoes. Second, he put them ON my counter! Where I have plates and food! So I grab him up & take him to the bathroom to wash hands, lecturing all the way. He starts crying, poor kid. That's when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I have to admit it stopped me in my tracks. I would be crying too, if I was in his shoes. It's hard to admit it, but sometimes I suck at being a parent. I'm usually pretty laid back, but there are times that I just go nuts at something that most people probably roll their eyes about. Why do I do this? I don't know...maybe everyone has their quirks that they lose it about? At least I caught that glimpse in the mirror. At that point I was able to take some deep breaths, wash Matthew's hands, and give him a big hug. Thank goodness kids are forgiving.

Writing this I realize it sounds like I was a complete monster, and I wasn't, it's actually hard to describe. I wasn't even angry, just very out of character. Like I didn't recognize myself. I wish I could explain it, but I can't - I just know I didn't like what/who I saw that I was, at that moment. I know that there will be moments like this, but I hope that catching that one in the mirror will help me step back and take the deep breath first next time, instead of losing it and letting Matthew see that side of me.