Infertility

I have read several blog posts lately about infertility. It is an interesting topic, one with so much emotion involved. It brings about feelings that no one can imagine, even when they've been in those shoes. It amazes me that instead of trying to support each other on their journeys, women who are in similar situations still try to compare their pain with someone else's pain. (This is something that in general annoys me....I remember when Papa died I got really upset with people who said "I know how you feel" - because no matter if you've been in the same situation, you don't know how I feel!)

One of my favorite blogs is Nancy's - she has two absolutely beautiful little girls and is currently trying to conceive (ttc) #3. It took her a long time to conceive her first, with no explanation for why. She "got lucky" with #2 and only "tried" for one month. She is experiencing the pain of infertility again, and a lot of first timers don't/can't understand her pain. She is one of the most knowledgeable people I "know" about ttc. She is a great chart reader for people who are charting their fertility signs and she has always seemed willing to help and advise anyone who needs it. She doesn't come across as a know-it-all, just someone who has been there and done their homework. She participates in message boards where first timers can benefit from her knowledge, but it seems they are giving her a hard time, as if she has no right to be upset over having trouble ttc#3 since she has 2 children. She can't understand their pain since she has been blessed 2 times. The fact is, she went through what they are going through, and while I stand beside the thought that her feelings about it are not the same as their feelings about it, I still think she has some understanding of what they are going through. Now she's feeling a similar pain, but it's not the same...it's different! Yes she has 2 children, but that doesn't stop her from wanting more and it certainly doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!

Anyway, this all brings me to me. Way back I used to say I wouldn't get married and have children. I didn't want them - as a child I never really cared for babies, didn't do a lot of babysitting as a teen, just didn't really like children too much. I thought I would be a big career woman with no time for a family. THEN I met David. Once I fell in love I decided a family wouldn't be so bad. So I had visions of the perfect little family....him, me, then children - a boy and a girl - in that order! When we first found out we were pregnant, I just knew it was a boy. I don't know why or how, but I knew it. I was not at all surprised at our 20week ultrasound when they said it was a boy. When Matthew was 10-1/2 months old, we found out we were expecting again. Suddenly I felt that I wanted more than 2 children. I am not sure why, but it was almost immediate - as soon as I knew we were having a second, I thought I wasn't ready to be "done" having children. I don't really know how to explain it and it probably makes me sound selfish, but I just didn't feel like 2 would be "enough".

The second time I had a feeling it was a girl, but I wasn't as sure, and I really didn't care. I thought a girl would be nice, but it would also be nice for Matthew to have a younger brother that he could be best buddies with. Plus I could have more, right? Then we found out we were having a girl, and of course I was excited. Of course it amazed me that people would say "one of each - that's perfect". I guess it amazed me because I felt that way, until I decided that I wanted more than 2 children.

Who is to say what is "perfect"? I think "perfect" is different for everyone. Some couples choose to be childless...for them that is "perfect"; some choose to have one child, some choose to have 10...for them that is "perfect". It really annoys me when people assume out loud that because I have one of each I am "done" having children. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Anyway, these discussions I've read on other blogs about primary or secondary infertility has made me think a lot about it. What if I can't get pregnant again? (Now I have no reason to believe I can't, but what if?) I know it will be painful for me. I KNOW I want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, that newborn stage, everything....AGAIN. My heart will be broken if I can't. I can't compare that heartbreak to what my friends who haven't been blessed with their first child yet feel because it would definitely be different. But it would be there all the same...

I have several friends who were ttc when I met them. A lot of them have one or more children now, some are expecting, some are still trying. Others are off the ttc train for now...some will be back on it, some probably will not. I cannot imagine their pain and I would assume that the pain is the same for each of them. I know it's not. I wish I could get rid of that pain, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do but offer my support and prayers that they get what they want. I hope that each of them knows if I say something "wrong" that they should let me know it hurts because I never want to add to their pain.