So cute

My dad got here this morning. Matthew was at daycare but I told my dad we would pick him up early. When we went to pick him up, I left Scarlett and daddy in the car while I went in to get Matthew. He didn't want to leave daycare at first - he seemed to know it was early. But when we walked out the door to the center, my dad stepped out of the car and Matthew took off "running" to him! It was SO cute! My family worried when we had Matthew that he wouldn't remember them since we live so far away and we wouldn't get to visit often, but it has been 2 months since Matthew saw my dad, but the joy on his face was there! He remembers!

Home alone

But not alone - David left early Saturday morning to go to Atlanta for a Georgia Tech recruiting event. I was alone with Matthew and Scarlett all day, which isn't too unusual since I am home with them during the week too. The more unusual part was not having David home by 6pm to help out until bedtime. I somehow managed to get Matthew to bed, pretty close to on time too :) (Lately I've been nursing Scarlett around Matthew's bedtime, so David has been handling Matthew's bedtime routine.) Scarlett slept most of the evening too.

I was able to watch the Georgia Tech football game, kind of. I dvr'd it and started watching late, but knew I should "catch up" by half time. David called me and I assumed it was half time, so I answered my phone with "I'm just starting the second quarter" so that he would know not to divulge any information about the game. Unfortunately, the game sucked! We got our butts kicked.

David got home around lunchtime Sunday, so I wasn't home alone for too long.

On another note, my dad is coming to visit! YAY! I am pretty excited. I really miss my family and love any opportunity to spend time with them.

Infertility

I have read several blog posts lately about infertility. It is an interesting topic, one with so much emotion involved. It brings about feelings that no one can imagine, even when they've been in those shoes. It amazes me that instead of trying to support each other on their journeys, women who are in similar situations still try to compare their pain with someone else's pain. (This is something that in general annoys me....I remember when Papa died I got really upset with people who said "I know how you feel" - because no matter if you've been in the same situation, you don't know how I feel!)

One of my favorite blogs is Nancy's - she has two absolutely beautiful little girls and is currently trying to conceive (ttc) #3. It took her a long time to conceive her first, with no explanation for why. She "got lucky" with #2 and only "tried" for one month. She is experiencing the pain of infertility again, and a lot of first timers don't/can't understand her pain. She is one of the most knowledgeable people I "know" about ttc. She is a great chart reader for people who are charting their fertility signs and she has always seemed willing to help and advise anyone who needs it. She doesn't come across as a know-it-all, just someone who has been there and done their homework. She participates in message boards where first timers can benefit from her knowledge, but it seems they are giving her a hard time, as if she has no right to be upset over having trouble ttc#3 since she has 2 children. She can't understand their pain since she has been blessed 2 times. The fact is, she went through what they are going through, and while I stand beside the thought that her feelings about it are not the same as their feelings about it, I still think she has some understanding of what they are going through. Now she's feeling a similar pain, but it's not the same...it's different! Yes she has 2 children, but that doesn't stop her from wanting more and it certainly doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!

Anyway, this all brings me to me. Way back I used to say I wouldn't get married and have children. I didn't want them - as a child I never really cared for babies, didn't do a lot of babysitting as a teen, just didn't really like children too much. I thought I would be a big career woman with no time for a family. THEN I met David. Once I fell in love I decided a family wouldn't be so bad. So I had visions of the perfect little family....him, me, then children - a boy and a girl - in that order! When we first found out we were pregnant, I just knew it was a boy. I don't know why or how, but I knew it. I was not at all surprised at our 20week ultrasound when they said it was a boy. When Matthew was 10-1/2 months old, we found out we were expecting again. Suddenly I felt that I wanted more than 2 children. I am not sure why, but it was almost immediate - as soon as I knew we were having a second, I thought I wasn't ready to be "done" having children. I don't really know how to explain it and it probably makes me sound selfish, but I just didn't feel like 2 would be "enough".

The second time I had a feeling it was a girl, but I wasn't as sure, and I really didn't care. I thought a girl would be nice, but it would also be nice for Matthew to have a younger brother that he could be best buddies with. Plus I could have more, right? Then we found out we were having a girl, and of course I was excited. Of course it amazed me that people would say "one of each - that's perfect". I guess it amazed me because I felt that way, until I decided that I wanted more than 2 children.

Who is to say what is "perfect"? I think "perfect" is different for everyone. Some couples choose to be childless...for them that is "perfect"; some choose to have one child, some choose to have 10...for them that is "perfect". It really annoys me when people assume out loud that because I have one of each I am "done" having children. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Anyway, these discussions I've read on other blogs about primary or secondary infertility has made me think a lot about it. What if I can't get pregnant again? (Now I have no reason to believe I can't, but what if?) I know it will be painful for me. I KNOW I want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, that newborn stage, everything....AGAIN. My heart will be broken if I can't. I can't compare that heartbreak to what my friends who haven't been blessed with their first child yet feel because it would definitely be different. But it would be there all the same...

I have several friends who were ttc when I met them. A lot of them have one or more children now, some are expecting, some are still trying. Others are off the ttc train for now...some will be back on it, some probably will not. I cannot imagine their pain and I would assume that the pain is the same for each of them. I know it's not. I wish I could get rid of that pain, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do but offer my support and prayers that they get what they want. I hope that each of them knows if I say something "wrong" that they should let me know it hurts because I never want to add to their pain.

Nursing woes - updated

While I still have no idea what caused her to NOT eat Friday & Saturday nights, she ate last night on a much more normal schedule. It is such a relief.

I know most of the time babies will eat when they are hungry, and no matter how much milk I pump and store in the freezer, I still can't help but remind myself that breastfeeding is all about supply and demand. So when she gets out of sorts for a day or two and doesn't eat "normal" then my body thinks it doesn't need to make as much milk. I probably worry about this more than I should, huh?

Nursing woes

This breastfeeding thing can be so difficult sometimes. I know a lot of people have trouble getting it established, but once it's established it is pretty much a breeze (well at least it was for me with Matthew, and has been from day one with Scarlett). That's what has me so dumbfounded today. For the last 2 nights Scarlett has absolutely refused the breast. I get her in position to nurse and she starts screaming. She ate fine during the day, but Friday night around 7:30 she acted hungry so I tried to feed her and she wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't worry too much at that point, I put her down to play and tried again an hour later. Again, she screamed when I tried to nurse her. I tried a couple of more times until around 11pm and finally decided to just pump and go to bed. The last time she had eaten was at 4:30. She slept all night! I couldn't believe it. I didn't sleep well at all, listening for her breathing since I was sure something must be wrong for her not to want to eat!

Fast forward to last night, and the same thing happened. She ate around 4:45 yesterday afternoon and then wouldn't eat again - screamed every time I tried to feed her. David gave her a 4 oz bottle before we went to bed, just so I could relax a little that she had something in her tummy. She took the bottle, but I know the mechanics of feeding a bottle kind of force the baby to eat whether they want to or not.

I have no idea what is causing this - if anyone has any clues, please share!

not 100%

Matthew has been sick this week. Monday night he started running a fever and had a little cough and runny nose too. I called the pediatrician Tuesday morning but they said just treat the symptoms & give it some time, call back if it got worse or lasted much longer. I don't mean to whine (well ok maybe I do) but it is really hard taking care of a sick toddler and an infant. Thankfully Scarlett is a good baby - I can feed her, diaper her, and put her down - she is easily entertained and sleeps great. But still, when Matthew doesn't feel well is precisely when he wants to be held & cuddled - it is such a struggle to give him the cuddling he needs and tend to Scarlett at the same time, especially when she needs to eat. I have relied on the tv more than I would like to admit this week, but at least I can have Matthew in my lap while Scarlett eats this way. It breaks my heart that I can't give Matthew 100% of my attention when he is sick. It also breaks my heart that Scarlett spends a lot more time in the swing or in the pack and play looking at the mobile than Matthew did. This is true whether he is sick or not - frankly it is impossible for me to have as much one on one time with her as I had with him.

Matthew has such a sweet disposition and weeks like this I worry that having a baby sister so soon is going to affect that. I hope he continues to be the sweet, loving boy that he is now. I hope that she becomes a sweet, loving girl too, even though she doesn't get the attention that he got at her age.

GT vs Notre Dame

Labor Day weekend was fun - David & I got tickets to the GT game at Notre Dame at almost the last minute so we went to South Bend Saturday. We didn't have any GT gear that would fit Matthew so after posting to some online communities we are part of, someone from Atlanta that was coming up to the game offered to go shopping for us. I thought it was very nice of a complete stranger to make that sort of offer. So we got the kiddos up early Saturday morning and headed out. Met up with some friends of David's to tailgate and then David went to pick up Matthew's t-shirt bought by the kind man from Atlanta. We hung out in the parking lot for a while - it was quite fun as there were more Tech fans around than I expected. Even the ND fans were nice.

We ate lunch and then caught a bus from the parking lot to the stadium. After making our way to our seats, Scarlett decided it was time to eat. She refused the bottle we tried to give her so I kept putting her off until after kickoff. I watched the first ND series (they turned the ball over) and the first Tech one since we had such good field position - we scored a field goal and I left the stands to go feed Scarlett.

I think David & I both had fun at the game, although we had to leave the stands to take care of the children more often than we are used to leaving the stands. We are also both the "stand up and cheer" sort of fans, but that is harder when you have a toddler and an infant, so we didn't do quite our normal yelling. A positive about that is that we both had voices the next day.

When we were walking back to the car after the game, we ran into Buzz and the Tech cheerleaders. We had a family picture taken with Buzz and then took some with one of the cheerleaders too. Matthew was fascinated by Buzz - he kept pointing to Scarlett's onesie (she had a buzz on the front) and then at the real Buzz, saying "Buzz" - it was so cute. Buzz came over and spent some time "playing" with Matthew. It was easily the highlight of Matthew's day, and probably ours too, but the good win is a close 2nd!

I would have liked some more time to wander the ND campus but with the children it just wasn't easy. We decided it is a close enough drive that we could go visit on a day when there isn't a football game if we wanted to tour.

Sunday was spent catching up on the rest we missed Saturday, and then today was running errands we would normally do on Saturday or Sunday.