not my best

This has not been my best week.  I've had to sit in Scarlett's room with her almost every day for the last 2 weeks to get her to nap.  She is 2 - she *needs* a nap or she's a monster later in the day.  But the stubborn child will only lay down with me in there.  I don't know what to do with her.   As a result of this, Matthew also isn't napping great.  He is getting old enough that he doesn't *have* to nap but he's certainly more pleasant when he does.  Frustrating.   Today his preschool had their Halloween parade.  They had a party & then came into the fellowship hall to do a play for us & then they trick or treated around all the parents.  I could see Matthew looking for us when they came in but he didn't find us until after their play.  He went to his teacher & said "I can't find my family" and I felt so sorry for him.  Scarlett had been squealing for him from the time he walked in so I don't know how he missed us, but I put her down & said "go get brother" so she ran to him & hugged him, then they both ran back to me.  They really love each other and are so sweet.  Somedays when she doesn't want to nap she goes in his room and when they hear me coming up to get onto them, they both climb into his bed.  They often ask to sleep together, and earlier this week Matthew told me he wanted a bunk bed and Scarlett could sleep on top.    No matter how much they love each other, they still like to fight.  It's not all fun & games!    I cut my hand bad the other day.  It *still* hurts BAD, and it's in a place that's just hard to do anything with it.  It also keeps me from being able to knit.  I didn't realize just how sane knitting keeps me.  I feel like a monster this week without the relaxation of knitting.   I cut my hand AFTER starting to make cake pops, which meant I had to wear gloves to roll them out & decorate them.  I *hate* gloves.   On a good note, I've had some kick ass runs this week.  Other than boot camp I hadn't run since the half, but I did a quick 2 mile run one night & a 3.4 mile run yesterday.  I literally ran to the store, just to kill 2 birds with one stone.  I wore my belt so I could shove the things I bought somewhere instead of running with them in my hands.  Sigh.  I'm gonna shut up now, I feel myself starting to ramble.

code for bad?

Saturday night the church where Matthew goes to preschool had a Halloween Party / Parents' Night Out.  We do not go to church there and the preschool is not affiliated with the church, they just rent the space, but they invited the preschool children and their friends/family so we decided to take advantage of it.  Matthew & Scarlett were so excited to wear their Halloween costumes.  Friday evening we shopped & Scarlett wanted to be a monkey so we decided to just let her wear Matthew's costume from last year (and the year before....I think he would have worn it again this year if it still fit!).  Matthew wanted to be an astronaut but we couldn't find an astronaut costume.  He saw a Thomas the Tank Engine one and said he wanted it.  Then he was distracted by a pirate, then a cowboy, then another pirate.  Finally he saw a firefighter one and when we suggested looking at the others (since he had changed his mind so many times), he was adamant that he wanted to be a fireman and not look anymore.  Scarlett immediately wanted a firefighter helmet so we got Matthew's costume & an extra helment & came home.   Saturday night we dressed them & took them over to the church, got them signed in, got a quick hug & kiss, and they ran off to play, never looking back.  We hung around for a few minutes talking to some other parents but once we saw that the kiddos were having fun & not worried about staying with "strangers" we left.  When we got home, David walked over to pick them up & they were playing in a different room with a couple of other children instead of watching the movie.  The woman who was watching them told him Scarlett was a "bundle of energy."  Just like us southern girls say "bless her heart", isn't that teacher code for "bad?"

the half marathon

When I signed up to ran I hoped to run in 2:20.  I thought that was pushing myself, as I was running an 11 minute mile and needed to take occasional walk breaks so I was averaging more like an 11:30 min/mile.  In my training I had gotten to where I was running faster than 11 minute miles but when I run more than a few miles I have to add walk breaks and those make me average about 11 min/mile.  We went down Saturday to pick up my number and hang out at the expo.  On our way home I took a good look at the bridge and got really upset, thinking there's no way I can run that.    I rode downtown yesterday morning (at 5:30) with a couple of girls from the gym and we hung out before the race.  They are both quite a bit faster than I am so they were seeded in a different start group.  I love the energy surrounding a big race - there were over 19,000 people registered for all the different events, so there was a big crowd.  It was cold (28* when I left the house and sunrise wasn't until like 7:45) but I was dressed appropriately.  People actually overdress and along the route strip down...so you see all sorts of clothes, hats, and gloves along the run.  The clothing is collected & donated to a homeless shelter after the race, so that's kinda cool.   Anyway, I was feeling good - the start was slow because it was really crowded but I hit the first mile marker in less than 10 minutes.  Then came the bridge.  The ramp up to it and the climb up were hard, but I kept running.  I was slower my 2nd & 3rd miles, but they were mostly uphill and it was still pretty crowded.  The view crossing the bridge was AMAZING.  No matter what you think of Detroit with the sunrise reflecting off the river the skyline was gorgeous.    Once we crossed over into Canada we had a wide road so the crowd thinned out.  Miles 4,5,and 6 were pretty easy and I hadn't taken a walk break yet.  I finally decided that I should walk for a minute just to save some energy so I walked through the next water station.  Got to the tunnel...that was HARD.  It is only 2 lanes so it was crowded again and it was HOT!  I struggled through the tunnel but finished my "underwater mile" in right at 11 minutes.    When I got out of the tunnel I was watching for David because he was planning to be there but I didn't see him.  I got my cell phone out of my belt & called him, but he hadn't gotten there yet.  He thought the race started at 7:30 and knew I wouldn't "start" until about 15 minutes after the official start time.  It actually started at 7:15 so I started around 7:30 (we didn't communicate about that...I told him 7:30 and he thought it was the race but I meant when I would probably start).  So he hadn't gotten to the tunnel yet and had to find another place to go watch.    Shortly after I heard someone yell "go kaci" but I didn't know them.  Then I remembered our names are printed on our bibs!  A couple of other times people yelled for me...that was pretty cool that they didn't know me but yelled for me anyway.  This is the first race I've run where they put your name on your bib.  I was wearing a GT shirt as my outer layer & a couple of times people yelled "Georgia Tech" or "Yellow Jackets" too.  I love good crowd support!    Anyway, I got to the water station between 11 & 12 miles.  By then I had decided I should walk through every water station, to give myself a little break and to make it easier to drink.  About the time I threw my cup down I saw David, with the camera, and I was WALKING!  I quickly started running again and then he brought the kids to the curb so I could give them hugs & high fives, then I went on.    I passed the 12 mile marker & was getting really tired, but I was determined to run to the finish line.  I got there finally...that last half mile seemed to last forever!  But I finished...in 2:08:49!    I am pleased with my run.  I am really sore today but it's totally worth it.  I have said I want to run a marathon and I'll admit yesterday's race has me questioning that dream.  I'll admit...I don't know if I can handle twice the distance I did yesterday.  I definitely have a long way to go to get there.

it's people like this

It's people like this who make me want to tear my eyes out. Here's the story, from AOL:

Mom Has 2 Sets of Twins in 1

A Texas mother has given birth to her second set of twins in less than a year.

Samantha Lopez, of San Antonio, already had two children when she delivered her first set of twins in December, KABB-TV reported. Soon after, she found out she was pregnant again with another set. The babies, a boy and a girl, were born last week.

Lopez and her boyfriend, Lorenzo Saldana, told KABB they are depending on food stamps to support the family because neither can work due to the demands of caring for their six young children. Saldana said he plans to find work when the babies are a bit older. Lopez is a licensed childcare provider.

Seriously? I understand caring for 6 young children would be difficult, but to have baby after baby without having some way to provide for them, BESIDES food stamps?!?! I am glad to know that not only is my husband working hard to provide for his family but he's also working hard to provide for families like this. NOT! We think the economy is shitty now, what would happen if every couple with more than one child at home decided that both parents needed to stay home because the children are demanding? And wouldn't you expect a licensed childcare provider to be able to handle her OWN 6 children without her husband staying home? I can't even find the words I am so outraged over this.

Let me make it clear...I have no problem with people taking government assistance, when it is a valid need. When people work hard and something happens (either a job loss or a health situation, for example) and they need help, they *should* take the help. But people like this who abuse this system really piss me off.

can I get some cheese too?

Last Tuesday I felt great.  Went to the gym for a short run before my step class, did an easy 2.25 miles, went to class, about halfway through class my legs started to feel really weak and I was complaining about the heat in the room.  I got home, showered, and felt a little better but still weak and shaky.  Wednesday morning I got up and was blasted...fever, aches, chills, sore throat, overall blah feeling.  It continued until this weekend, when the fever finally disappeared but everything else...still here.  I haven't run or worked out since Tuesday.  (and do I need to remind you I'm running a half marathon on the 18th?)    I told David yesterday that I didn't care how bad I felt, I needed to run, to know that I could.  When he got home from work I did just that...I laced up & headed out, planning to do a 3.1 mile loop.  I felt horrible.  I almost turned around and came home, more than once.  I pushed on, even when I felt like someone was tightening my heart rate monitor around my chest, even when my throat burned like it's never burned before, even when every single breath I took hurt like hell.  I pushed on.    I got home and collapsed, sobbing, in a chair.  I was so upset.  David didn't quite know how to handle me, he kept asking if I was hurt and I could barely breathe to say no.  I finally settled down enough to whine that I was upset over being sick, so close to the race, when I should be peaking and instead I feel like krap.  I whined that it is so unfair that I've worked hard for this, and now it's all ruined because of this stupid cold.  And how it hurt to run and I can't finish training.  Even though I know I don't *need* to run any more between now & race day, I'm afraid I haven't done *enough* to be my best Sunday.   And I'm still worried I won't be 100% better too.  Stupid cold.    And yeah, I know I should be thankful my biggest problem is a cold.  It could be worse.

what to do? what to do?

Y'all are probably tired of hearing me mention running, but oh well, as Matthew would say, I'm going to do it anyway. I used to run just to run the Peachtree 10k. Every spring when it was time to sign up, I'd sign up & start training. I trained, ran July 4, and quit until the next spring. It wasn't something I loved. When I first started running this summer, I figured I'd enter some 10k's, just to keep me running, and I casually said "someday I want to run a marathon." Well this time, I joined a running moms group and these ladies Inspired me. Yeah, Inspired with a capital "I". As I read their messages, I read about their running, their races, their stories, their lives...I was and am truly Inspired.

I decided to try to run a half marathon. Those ladies encouraged me that I could do it. They encouraged me that if I could run 5 miles I could run a half. I tested myself. I signed up for the Detroit Half Marathon. I am so excited to be running this race. Through my training, I know that a marathon is a reasonable goal. I can and WILL do it. But WHEN?

I could train and be ready to run it 18 weeks after my half (solely based on the training program I've been following for the half). That would be late Dec/early Jan, which would mean training over Thanksgiving & Christmas, which I could do but we travel a lot & I'm usually not good about exercising when I'm out of town. I'm sure if I signed up for a race I would be better though. But that would also mean training in the winter months here...and I'm not sure about how I'd do a long run in the cold, possibly snowy, Detroit winter. I can't imagine running 20 miles on the treadmill or even on the track at my gym (that would be ~200 laps...wowzers!). So I'd need to run outside, and I'm not sure I'm that tough.

So maybe I find a spring marathon...there's actually one that starts/finishes less than half a mile from my house. Easy enough, right? But it's a small one, with ~400 finishers last year. That intimidates me. I'd rather run a big one with thousands of other people.

Then, there's the issue of children. David & I want at least one more child. My next birthday I'll be 35. The chances of becoming pregnant, the chances of a healthy pregnancy, the chances of a healthy baby...all that goes down the older I get. I know there's no magic number, but I don't want to wait until I'm much older, especially if we think we might want more than one more. Plus Scarlett will be 3 in June, and I don't want a huge age gap between children. (I hated my almost 7 year old younger sister for oh, almost 15 years.)

So do I put off my newfound love of running to try for another baby? Or do I keep running and finish that marathon before I get rid of my IUD? I want both these things, and I know I can have them both, but I don't know which I should pursue first.

On the one hand, if I've run a marathon before I TTC, I'll be in good shape for a pregnancy. Hopefully I'll be closer to my goal weight when I get pregnant. I should be able to run more/longer into the pregnancy than if I'm not in as good of shape. On the other hand, if I haven't run a marathon maybe it would inspire me after the baby was born, to lace up my shoes.

I really don't know what to do, how to proceed, what's best...for me, my current family, and our hopeful additional member. I know no one can tell me what to do (although if you have advice/thoughts, I'd certainly appreciate your input). I know that it's a personal decision for David & me to make together, but I wish the answer could just fall into my lap. I hate making decisions!

our long night

Matthew & Scarlett are rotten, don't get me wrong, but I love them so much more than I ever imagined I could.  They are so freaking sweet sometimes.  Scarlett will just randomly ask for hugs & kisses, and Matthew seriously gives the best hugs ever.    Last night was terrible.  It started before naps when Scarlett started screaming that her stomach hurt.  I reassured her & told her if she took a nap it would probably feel better.  She went right to sleep so I wasn't concerned.  Then she woke up screaming.  Screaming like I can't describe...the worst I've heard her scream.  I comforted her and she settled down, only to do it again about an hour later.  Then again, then again.  I thought it was probably gas so I tried rubbing her tummy but when I would touch her she would flinch.  My poor baby.  It was mainly a periodic thing, she would scream and grab her stomach, obviously in pain.  Then I realized she had a fever.  (She hadn't had one earlier.)  The fever + the screaming worried me more because I knew gas wouldn't cause a fever.  Not to mention the screaming episodes were getting more frequent.  I called our pedi & he sent us to the ER.  David was in class so I called him to meet us there.    Sigh.  It was a long night at the ER, and we had Matthew with us because every time we thought one of us should take him home, a nurse or doctor would come in to check something or talk to us, so then we would both want to wait to see what was happening.  Eventually I decided it was crazy that I took her in because she hadn't screamed since we got there and her fever had gone down (I knew from the mom's lips to baby's forehead temp checking method...I forget the fancy name for that one.)  She was still whining occasionally but not the screams of earlier.  She also didn't flinch when I rubbed her belly anymore.  After all the checking and tests, the doctor said it was a virus of some kind and to just treat the fever.    I guess it's better to have spent several hours in the ER unnecessarily than to have stayed home and have it be something serious.  Our pedi mentioned a possible diagnosis that could lead to death in 2-5 days if left untreated, so it *could* have been serious.  But man last night sucked.   However, on the ride home Matthew said "Scarlett does your tummy feel better?" She replied, "yes" and he said "i'm so glad you are better."  Melt.  Gotta love that.